Below are journal entries of each day as I start the journey of acceptance of what my body, soul and heart needs and wants as based on my post Depression Conundrum.
Day 1 – 11/7/2015
Wrote the introductory blog post and received more comments and likes than normal signaling that this is something that affects many people. I find myself throughout the day feeling like I must be doing “more”, whatever “more” is. That I must exercise, do more around the house, write more, etc. Be productive. I quieted my nagging mind for a bit and decided that I wanted to lie on the couch and watch a movie, eating frozen chimichangas and no fruits or vegetables. Later in the evening, I decided to drive to Kroger’s and Wal-Mart to pick up a few things, one being hair color to darken my hair a shade as I may stop coloring completely going back to my dark blonde for the first time since I was 14. I also quit being cheap and purchased a new keyboard folio for my iPad since both my folio and separate keyboard are falling apart. We stopped at KFC for dinner and I ate what I wanted which wasn’t as much as I always fear I might eat. I took a portion of it home for my other daughter. When I just eat whatever I want, I actually eat less than when I try to “be careful” or “eat healthy” or “diet” though I never really use that word, it is my mindset. Got tired around 11:30 p.m. and went to bed. End result: I didn’t feel as tired throughout the day, I felt more content and peaceful.
Day 2 – 11/8/2015
I slept fitfully as usual, my night riddled with hot flashes but the room was cold so I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be uncovered or covered. Also my husband was on night shifts, so I don’t sleep as well. Even though I didn’t sleep well, I felt like baking and made baked pears and homemade cinnamon rolls which I have been resisting making because of my “diet” mindset. My daughter and I went to the park and hiked several miles. Then I came home and made tacos. A full day of delicious foods, some outdoor exercise and needed family time.
Day 3 – 11/9/2015
A day of errands and running about. First I had to go get my bloodwork done for my impending surgery. My husband was sleeping after his night shift so I thought I would knock out my test. Except I had two panic attacks before I ever got to the hospital. Since my mom was terminally ill and passed away, I have a difficult time returning to the same hospitals she had tests or had spent time in. Add in the fact that they are checking me for uterine cancer and I was a mess. I had to sit in my truck to let the shaking subside. Once I was in the lab, I was okay. At one time, I used to think that panic attacks weren’t real, it was just people over reacting or trying to get attention. Now I think differently. They are definitely real. Not sleeping well keeps me always on the tired side. Other than looming dread over the surgery and the potential cancer results, my depression is not evident.
Day 4 – 11/10/2015
Again, hot flashes have kept me up but I seem to be able to function on less sleep right now, almost as if my body is getting used to the lack of sleep. The day was the usual busy one at work, no time to feel down, just rushed a bit and a little stress. The depression has been pretty much at bay. It has been limited to momentary lapses that I feel and then let go. I don’t freak out or feel like I have to do much of anything other than acknowledge its presence lending a bit of credibility to my theory that fighting the feelings, fearing the depression just gives it more power and more fuel. However, starting to let go of the dread and fear of depression feels a little freeing. I hope that this is the start of something better. A new way of dealing with something that has plagued me much of my adult life.
Day 5 – 11/11/2015
Today is the 21st anniversary of losing most everything I owned in a house fire at the rental property we lived. At the time, it was a traumatic experience but as the years have passed, ticking off one after another yearly anniversary, I have grown to appreciate the lessons I learned. I don’t really collect much of anything any longer. I give away a lot more material things I don’t use instead of hoarding them for that rainy day that never comes. The only thing that mattered was that no one was home at the time of the fire which was actually reported from a traveler on a highway five miles away the flames were so high. I only feel gratitude and blessings that came from this event in my life which happened when I was just 24. On the depression front, it has been noticeably absent today. Sometimes I wonder if it strikes more when I am not as busy and more still.
Day 6 – 11/12/2015
Day at work was busy. I started thinking about college and what I wanted to do, finish the associates degree, stop or go on and get my bachelors. Since things in my life have settled down (fingers crossed), maybe I can start focusing on my education again. Every so often I’ll look at the jobs out there and a bachelors degree is basically like a high school diploma was when I graduated high school in 1988, many moons ago. I was thinking about my theory that having too much unfocused time might be contributing to my depression. Getting my bachelors (and possibly beyond as far as a doctorate) was a goal of mine in high school, probably middle school. It was never something I questioned, it was just there. Maybe because my mom who never finished college always told me you need to get your degree so you don’t have to struggle as hard. People (at least in that time) see you differently if you are educated at least in the workforce. At work, I’m treated as if I a lowly secretary by the management at my site. You can feel them looking down on you. The strange thing is people at higher positions off site, do not see me or treat me this way. Not that a degree will change their view of me, but will it change my view of myself? I’ll have to consider that.
Day 7 – 11/13/2015
Whoooooo… Friday the 13th. Actually this date has never freaked me out like it does other people. I’m superstitious to a certain extent but not this one. Normal busy work day. Evening was quiet. I am a little hormonal and sensitive (the change sigh) which means I have to be careful how I react to everything and everyone. Sorting through my hormonal emotional changes is exhausting as is not sleeping due to hot flashes. I’m a bit tired all the time. Have to take extra care of myself. Which is maybe what I need anyway. I’m nto great at doing what my body asks of me. I just push it harder and then wonder WTH when something happens like I get sick, get a migraine or overreact to my husband joking around. I have narrowed down a few options to complete my degree. They aren’t impossible or out of reach. i have some time to decide if this is the direction I want to go as I finish my associates degree. I just feel better knowing that I have a general game plan for my goal. That it is attainable.
Bottom line – My depression isn’t as scary as I believed it to be. I don’t have to live in year of it ebbing and flowing through my life. Since I started relaxing about it and letting the feelings just “be”, the power it has over my life isn’t as great. Revisiting things or goals that I want or waited for many years and pushed aside is a good exercise as depression can sometimes be linked to things in your life you are ignoring whether it be a bad relationship, a crappy job or a goal you have determined doesn’t matter but deep down it still does. Depression is repressed anger. I think mine is due to not caring for myself enough, ignoring my own needs and maybe from ignoring things in life I want to achieve.
I’m going to continue to journal daily but I will just provide only any major “aha” moments in my blog. Anytime you have something plaguing you, journaling your thoughts is a great way to pick up on trends or maybe what is truly bothering you.