Food Peace Journal – Joyful Movement & Panic Mode

I got out my calendar to look up how many weeks it’s been that I’ve been on this new journey, six weeks! It feels like six months! Truly I was surprised when it was only six weeks though I honestly can’t tell you why it seems longer. Maybe because so much has happened in a short time for me. No, I haven’t lost weight during this six weeks. I don’t know what what I weigh. It doesn’t matter what I weigh as my quality of life does not hinge on this number. Am I bigger or smaller? I don’t know. I feel a little bigger but not enough my clothes aren’t fitting. But enough I’m edging into panic mode. My fear of getting fatter is edging more to the forefront as I give up more and more control over my body by not dieting or weighing myself.

Panic mode means I am not trusting my body to do it’s job and I’m letting the diet culture and mentality take back over. Also, when you think about how long term off and on dieting affects your metabolism, when you suddenly start eating when you are hungry again, I think you will get a little more rounder for a bit. First of all, suddenly you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. This is a bit like being a kid locked into a candy store overnight, you’re going to overindulge for awhile until you and your body figure out that you are no longer starving it. I feel my moods have improved somewhat, I feel more level. Maybe because I’m not experiencing blood sugar fluctuations so badly? My jeans feel a bit more tight. Not enough that I will need a larger size but in the back of my mind red flashing lights and warning sirens are going off. ‘Stop! Stop! Stop what you are doing! You’re going to get fatter!’. This is so hard to deal with at times. These thoughts put me in panic mode and suddenly I want to go dig out the scale, reload the food journal app and throw out anything not ‘healthy’ or ‘fattening’.

Then I stop myself and look at my body. All that diet culture paraphernalia did not make me thin, it probably made me heavier than what is natural for me by fighting my body’s own natural instincts and defense mechanisms. I am living proof diets only work temporarily and you just get bigger. The more I dieted, the bigger I got. Deep breath, Laura. I am ok, if I have to go to a size 20, so be it. I must be kind and gentle in this process, love myself and my body and the wonderful machine it is. I’ve fucked with my body’s natural processes for years, six weeks is not enough to undo literally 37 years of dieting and restricting and exercising until I drop. This is where patience (something I lack) is my friend. I have to let my body do what it needs to do to heal and get back into a natural rhythm. Plus I am also still learning about listening to the cues when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I find in the evening, I tend to overeat feeling anxious as if I may never get to eat again. I am not sure what this is about as I have a fully stocked kitchen, a grocery store within ten miles and plenty of money to buy food. There is no shortage. Maybe evenings are just an anxious time for me.

Also, being able to eat whatever you want, you’re going to indulge in all those foods you restricted. So I probably am getting a tad bit bigger as I reprogram my mind to not freak out when these formally ‘forbidden’ foods are in my grasp. Case in point is chocolate. I’ve eating a f*ck ton of chocolate in the last six weeks. I’ve received and bought 3 candy hearts over the last few weeks due to Valentine’s Day. The first candy heart, I literally plowed through, the second one was small – only three pieces – devoured in one sitting. The last one was from my husband and it’s the same as the first except 3x’s the size. By now, I will eat one or two pieces and be like wow, that’s sweet and two pieces are plenty. My husband asked me if there was something wrong with the candy he bought me because I wasn’t shoveling it in like normal. Nope, it was fine, it’s just I’ve eaten so much candy lately, I’m a bit overwhelmed by it. When you can have it and have as much as you want of it, suddenly you find that you will not want it so much. Also you’re focusing on your hunger and satiety cues at the same time. You start noticing at one point that you aren’t hungry when you pull out the box of delicious chocolates so you may only eat one or even none, waiting until you are hungry again.

This journey is a bit of a roller coaster. I love jalapeno kettle-style potato chips. So last night at the grocery I bought a bag. I even opened them and ate a few in the car tough they recommend you eat sitting at a table, focusing on your food so you don’t mindlessly shove half a bag of potato chips in your gullet. I spent the evening grazing on them. I’d put them away, get them out, put them away get them out. I even ate them with the nice roast dinner I made. I ate half the bag and still am suffering from their effects this morning. My stomach is burning, my acid reflux is kicked up. So in this case, I am thinking maybe if I get the craving for these chips, I go and buy the small bag even if it means going to a gas station. Or do I just buy the big bag and eat until I realize I can have these whenever I want? This is one of those ‘forbidden foods’ so naturally since it’s the first time I’ve bought them this year, I’m going to overindulge. I think I should just buy the big bag because if I buy the small bag at the gas station, I am in a way restricting myself. Which means I may overeat them a few times and suffer horribly a few times until my brain figures out these chips are no longer ‘forbidden’ and therefore I do not need to eat a half a bag of them in an evening.

Being aware of why and when I overeat is key for me to reverse this behavior. Deep breath, I will be okay. If I get bigger for awhile, then I get bigger. The key remains, eat when I am hungry and just until I’m satisfied, not feeling stuffed and sick. This seems so simple but after not listening to your body for almost 80% of your life, it isn’t going to happen in a few weeks.

Raise your hand if you only exercised to lose weight? ME! ME! Well I like to exercise but my focus has always been calorie burning. Intervals for more calorie burn, longer rides to burn more calories, pedaling until you’re ready to puke to burn off that big lunch. ‘Joyful movement’ is a term I hear frequently on the podcasts and in the books I’ve been immersing myself in this year. Joyful movement is simply doing physical activity you love without any consideration to burning calories or losing weight. It means cancelling the gym membership if you hate going to the gym. Or keeping it if you love going but changing the activities you do and your mindset. You love Zumba class and now you just go to this class because you love the movement and camaraderie of your class mates. Or you put on music and dance around the house. Take your dog for a walk where you actually enjoy the process rather than trying to walk as fast as you can for thirty minutes. You stop worrying about the number of calories burned and you start focusing on the simple joy of moving your body.

Case in point – I am going to list my cycling rollers today for sale. I’ve tried and tried to do stationary riding in the winter on my road bike. I hate it. I get bored in the first few minutes and just want to stop. I’ve tried different methods to no avail. Yes it is a way to add miles to your yearly cycling goal but I can’t stand it. I might as well sell them to someone who will actually use them. I love to dance way back from the school dances and clubs. I’m not very good at it, I’m a typical white girl when it comes to dancing. I’ve never taken a dance lesson in my life but I like more the non-choreographed kind of thing anyway. We have an old Wii and a few Just Dance games. Nothing is more awkward than a fat girl prancing around in her basement, that is until she turns the full length mirror resting on the wall around and forgets about how she may look.

The other night, no one was home and I went down in the basement in a sports bra, shorts and socks and fired up the game. At first I’m a little self-conscious but it’s only the cat and dog watching. Without thinking about calorie burn or time elapsed, I just enjoyed the different dances and trying to do them. Before I know it, I’m covered in sweat and over an hour has passed. Without even thinking about it, I got in an hour of exercise without staring at a clock because I was doing something fun, something I enjoyed. I was wearing my phone to count steps (I do this just for fun) and I amassed about 3000 steps just prancing around in my basement. My bike and rollers just sat there across the way, leaning against the wall. I would have had to force myself to finish 20 minutes of riding on that set up. I would have had 0 fun. The whole dance experience put me in a great mood as well. Joyful movement, those words suddenly made perfect sense.

I love to ride my bike but not inside. Time to sell the rollers. I’ve been holding onto them for several years just convinced this was the year I’d really make use of them. The bottom line is I hate riding in place. So it’s time to honor the idea of joyful movement and bring back fun rather than torture myself to burn calories. No wonder people hate exercise so much. We don’t do it the right way or for the right reasons. I love, love riding my bike on the bike path or my mountain bike on the trails. I will be smiling ear to ear while doing so. But put me on my bike in the basement on training rollers and I’m no longer enjoying the ride. I’m annoyed, frustrated and impatient to get the time over with. If you dread the exercise, it feels like torture.

Pick something you love, make it spontaneous, don’t time yourself or worry about calories burned. There are so many things you can do to move. The majority of us aren’t training for athletic events anyway. I imagine once you start doing things you love for the sheer pleasure of moving, you’ll find yourself much more active in general. I’m going to see if I can buy some used Just Dance games just to have new dances to try because it’s fun!

Until next time, happy eating and joyful moving!

Advertisements

Week 5 Food Peace Journey – Patience & Kindness

So week five has come to a close today and I have not turned into a whale. My clothes fit about the same. My jeans feel looser but I have no idea if I lost weight or not because that number no longer matters. The freedom of not weighing myself frequently has only added to my happiness about my choice to give up dieting. Though I will admit, there are times, where I feel panicky as if not knowing that number will somehow harm me. I’m afraid I will wake up and not be able to get into my jeans, so I tried on my size down jeans that are just a little too tight at the moment to wear comfortably and I can still get into them. I wish I did not feel panicked at the thought of getting larger. So I’m still working on peace in that aspect.

I bought the Intuitive Eating Workbook by Evelyn Tripoli and Elyse Resch this week and started into the exercises today. I think a point the authors make in the front of the book is how this doesn’t happen overnight and to be kind with yourself during the journey even if you binge eat, eat too much, eat for comfort etc. That it can take a long time to really master intuitive eating and there will be moments or times when you slip. Diet recovery is what this is. One of the exercises was a table where you chronicled your diet history. I can’t remember every diet I’ve ever been on so I summarized but then I remembered a period in my life during ages 24-25, that I gave up dieting. We had a house fire and lost everything and then moved to Kendallville, Indiana, close to where my first husband worked. We rented this home out on some farmland and tended the owner’s trail horses as well as helped with his business, cattle and horses. I had two small daughters and mid way through my 25th year, I became pregnant.

For whatever reason, maybe just the shock of losing everything material, I forgot about dieting. I was staying at home with my daughters, working on the farm, being active without thinking about it. Doing things I loved, like having a garden and being around animals. We didn’t have a lot of money so I cooked most of our meals with a fast food treat now and again. As far as I can remember, I ate when I was hungry, didn’t worry about what I was eating and other than working on the farm and walking the treadmill I bought at Walmart for Christmas, that was it. When spring came, I needed some cooler clothes. We were doing better money wise at this point, so I decided to start shopping a little bit every pay day to refurbish my lost wardrobe. I remember trying on a dress for Easter and finding that my size was too big. See, I had been living pretty much in sweat pants and loose clothing that I had bought after the fire. Since I wasn’t working outside of the home, these had sufficed. Cheap and comfy but I hadn’t realized I had been tightening the sweat pants draw string. I had somehow gone from a size 18/20 to a 14/16 without even trying.

I still can remember that moment in the dressing room when I tried on the size 20 dress only to have it hang off my body. Then when the size 14 fit, I was practically jumping up and down in the fitting room. After I gave birth to my third daughter, I was a size 16 and started into the diet and working out for exercise routine which eventually ballooned me up to a very uncomfortable size 22. My knees hurt walking up the stairs from my heft. I’d diet, fail, binge, diet, fail, binge. I was really unhappy in my 30’s, and by the time I was 35, I was severely depressed and threatening to run out of clothing sizes. Your body is so efficient at saving you from starvation, you just getting fatter and fatter by dieting.

The authors quoted some interesting studies. Six year study of the Biggest Loser contestants shows that their metabolism had slowed down 500 calories a day. A day! The body fought back and made itself more efficient. They also found the contestants had more lean muscle mass at the beginning than at the end after the weight loss. The body was cannibalizing itself for energy. We think back to years before people were obsessed by dieting which really started in earnest in the 1970’s and we see pictures of normally not overweight people. They say portion sizes were less, people didn’t eat out as much and so on. Which is all true. But they also weren’t dieting as a whole or a way of life.

Here is something else in The Intuitive Eating Workbook that I found interesting. A study with overweight Type 2 diabetes people was done over six years with the control group not being placed on diet and exercise that the test group participated in. At the end of the six years, the dieters had a worse prognosis than those in the control group. Researchers were shocked. A UCLA study found that found that fifty-million people who were overweight or obese per BMI standards were actually healthy otherwise. I’ve always felt that BMI is a load of crap. If you want the study references, send me a message and I’ll point you to them.

Dieting could very possibly making us unhealthier in the long run. That is an interesting concept. But when I think back to some of the times when I was suffering most especially with digestive issues was when I had been dieting frequently or strictly. Maybe restricting your food intake and ignoring your body’s needs causes sickness. I mean it does make sense. Your body is asking for what it needs and you smack it down and say NO!. I wish I could attest to whether or not I feel better or more energetic, but two of the five weeks, I have been fighting a nasty flu. I’ll report back on that at a later time.

On a side note, I found a new body-positive podcast called Fearless Rebelle Radio by Summer Innanen. I haven’t finished Episode #111 – Change Your Relationship to Movement – With Louise Green – author of Big Fit Girl but so far I am loving the whole bigger body – fitness message in this episode. It’s like going to group therapy, with the having to sit in an awkward circle with strangers part. I feel very uplifted listening to podcasts like this that aren’t about getting skinny, but doing movement you love without the purpose of losing weight. Actually, the more physically active I become, the less weight loss I saw anyway as I put on muscle. But normally my measurements would decrease but the idea of giving even that aspect up and just enjoying my favorite fitness pursuits like cycling is so freeing and joyful. Challenging myself to new fitness levels because it makes me feel good and not to lose 10 pounds. Check out Fearless Rebelle Radio for yourself. Summer has a lot of different topics.

So in conclusion, all this is a work in progress but it is getting a bit more automatic. Some days I eat often and other days not much at all. Sometimes I will fix or reheat something only to find I don’t want it so I don’t force myself to eat it. It’s nice to not eat something I don’t really want. I do have a long road to go, probably a lifetime but I am happy that I’ve gone in this direction. I hope others will join me as well, shrugging off the chains of calorie counting and forced gym time. Life is truly so short, eat the cake, if you’re hungry and want it!