My Struggle With Intuitive Eating & Emotional Overeating

Toward the end of 2018, I decided to make some pledges (not resolutions) to myself and my own well-being. They are:

  1. My Health & Fitness – Conquering my overeating & shed the extra “person” I carry from the result of not dealing with my emotions, boredom, etc.
  2. My Peace – I can’t control other people/situations but I can control how I react.
  3. My Self-Care – Putting this first, I deserve it at all times.
  4. My Joys – Once my responsibilities are taken care of, I deserve to spend my time in ways that make me happy and joyous.

So No. 1 is what I’m going to focus on though they all sort of tie in together. First off, #1 is not a diet. I’m not counting calories or forcing myself to work out to burn calories. Sometimes I log my food to pick up on trouble spots, make myself more mindful when I’m eating at points that I’m not hungry and maybe need to address some underlying emotions or issues. When I started Intuitive Eating, I didn’t address the core reason I struggle with overeating to start with. Growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household, food became my drug of choice since when you’re 9-10 years old you usually don’t have access to drugs and alcohol. Though watching my father, I knew I didn’t want to abuse alcohol. Food was my friend, my comfort and still is today except now I want to go a step further and shed my frequent need for comforting with food. This feels like one of the final steps I need to take in my journey to overcoming my past abuses and traumas. Frankly, I don’t want what happened to me in the past to win.

Long story short, I didn’t truly follow Intuitive Eating (IE) as it is intended. I used it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, but I wasn’t eating to true hunger, I was shoveling junk into my big mouth to buffer the pain and anxiety from my past. Then I blamed IE for failing me. Nope, I failed me. I was eating when I wasn’t truly hungry. I wasn’t listening to my body but to my emotions, my fears, my anxiety, my stress, my boredom, etc. IE didn’t fail me, I failed IE. I failed myself but it’s okay. It’s all in a learning and recovery process.

People who have suffered abuse, sexual trauma/rape etc. especially women, tend to be overweight as a coping mechanism.  Wearing a “fat suit” makes you feel safer from unwanted attention. Start to lose weight, get smaller and the moment you start garnering more uncomfortable attention, you’ll unconsciously start overeating to pad up your protective fat suit.  In a way, it feels like your superpower to be invisible to other people.  You can fade into the background considering you’re not being targeted for fat-shaming. 

In my life, I have experienced verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse so I struggle in many different ways but I’m determined to overcome these coping mechanisms. It’s time I break free of my past and live a freer life. I know I will always be haunted by my past but I don’t want it to win. I will falter but I will pick myself up, brush off and keep going. Eventually, the falls will become infrequent and I will also learn to catch myself before hitting the ground sometimes. But I have to be patient and kind with my trips. I just want to overcome and drop this baggage. I want to stop suffering, stop overeating and take care of my body. It feels like this extra “person” of fat/weight that I carry around weighs me down and serves as a constant reminder that I’m still letting my past win.

The principles of IE are simple:  Eat when hungry – eat what you want until just satisfied.  Incorporate gentle nutrition and joyful movement.  Well this is my take on it, the book is more involved but this is the overall view.  When you are struggling with emotional/stress overeating, it throws in an additional challenge.  I’m not going to diet any more.  I’m not going to weigh or measure myself.  It has never once helped in the long run.  I’m not going to berate myself for what I eat but I’m also going to stop ignoring my emotional overeating and fool myself to believe oh, it’s just intuitive eating.  Um, yeah, Laura, nope, nice try.  Stop excusing your overeating as IE.  Just stop it already.

The other night, hubby and I went to Walmart to get some groceries but it had started pouring down rain while we were inside.  Our car was halfway up the parking lot so I grabbed ahold of the cart, bracing some of my weight on the handle and started running toward it.  Because some of my weight was being carried by the cart, I felt this incredible lightness.  I couldn’t tell you how many pounds the cart way holding but it doesn’t really matter.  The experience made me think of how much better I would feel if I was not carrying an extra ‘person’ of weight.  How much lighter and stronger I would feel.  How much more I could do.  Of course this triggered the whole dieting thing in my head, but I pushed it out of my mind.  I can’t live my life dieting.  But I can live my life honoring what my body wants and needs.  I can honor my life by dealing with the hard emotions, loneliness, sadness, grief, anger, frustration, etc. by facing those uncomfortable feelings.  My body is padded with all my overeating.  

Another recent experience is I deleted all my fitness tracking apps off of my phone.  Since my late teens, movement has been mandated exercise to lose weight.  I must walk, ride, run, hike – X amount of time at Y intensity to burn Z calories.  It was never about joy or enjoyment.  Diet mentality sucks.  One day I walked four miles with my daughter on the bike path.  Several times I caught myself thinking – ‘you better walk faster you’re not burning enough calories’, ‘quit stopping, your heart rate will drop’ and ‘push, push, push’.  Each time, I would push those thoughts out of my mind and go back to enjoying what I was doing.  If I wanted to stop and poke under the leaf litter hoping to find an early wildflower, then so be it.  If I wanted to stop and take a few photos of an area, no problem.  If I just wanted to stop, close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air, go for it.  Somewhere along the way, I had completely given up my enjoyment of being outside moving.   Without realizing it, we had walked four miles (my phone auto tracks steps and I checked out of habit).  

The next day, it was warmer and the sun was in and out.  Being in west-central Ohio, the winters can be brutal and I wanted to get back outside.  This time I drove to a park fairly close to my house that has a lot of off pavement trails as walking on pavement makes my knees and hips hurt if I do it too much.  Even though it was muddy, I brought an extra pair of hiking shoes and set off.  This time the exercise Nazi in my head was quieter.  A few times, she popped up but I ignored her commands.  I wasn’t on a set schedule and had several hours to myself.  Before, I would have my exercise tracking app on and be compulsively checking it for my average walking speed, calories burned and time elapsed.  I’d be hiking briskly, not stopping to admire much of anything.  

Three different times, I had scared up a giant blue heron who was fishing in the creek and nearby small lake in the park.  The last time I saw him, he was standing on a slowly shrinking ice patch at one end of the lake.  He cocked his head to one side so he could see me better as I slowly approached.  I pulled out my phone and started taking pictures with my camera.  I crept along the trail excited that he hadn’t flown away this time.  He watched me cautiously and I watched him.  As I gently took soft steps, I was able to get closer photos until I had walked right by him (or her – I have no idea how to tell them apart).  I stood there staring back at him, taking in the quiet of the day, the sun coming in and out from behind the traveling clouds.  Maybe, I thought, if I were to have a spirit animal, maybe it’s a blue heron.  

Eventually, I moved on and he stayed on his ice perch to fish.  As I finished my hike, I reflected on my heron encounter.  A month ago, I would have been so focused on burning calories that I would have barreled down the trail scaring the heron a fourth time.  I wouldn’t have given myself permission to just go gently, slowly and enjoy the encounter with reverence and awe of such a beautiful bird.  My mom used to say ‘like a bull in a china shop’.  Well that’s been me going through my life breaking things and missing the delicate cues of the world around me.  Missing the beauty of the ‘china’.  I don’t want to be the bull anymore.  I don’t want to charge through my life.  

When I got back to my car, I was surprised to find I had walked five miles based on my phone’s step counter.  This time I checked out of sheer curiosity and not a goal.  If I had set my goal to hike five miles, I would have charged through just wanting to get it over with and on to the next thing.  I wouldn’t have enjoyed the hike like I did that day.  I’d been impatient and making up reasons in my head why I couldn’t possibly hike five miles.  But this time, I took my time, I took many photos with my phone (prompting me to order a recharageable portable power source since I almost ran the phone battery down).  I spent time just being present, being mindful.  I didn’t even notice I had hiked so far because distance wasn’t my goal.  Left to my own devices and enjoyment, I obviously will hike further than I would expect.  

Between the grocery cart experience and that day’s joyful hike, I realized I am on the right track.  I want to be lighter, more joyful, less encumbered and simply mindful.  When I ordered the power source, I also ordered a small sling day pack to carry a water bottle, maybe a sketch book, some charcoals and possibly my Nikon camera.  I also ordered a bracelet with a butterfly charm as a reminder to focus on the beautiful, to fly above the world’s expectations and BS, as a promise to myself to enjoy life, to honor what my body needs, to conquer the emotional/stress eating, to live the very best way I can.  I also ordered a pack of my fave Pilot V5 roller ball pens in a bunch of colors just because I wanted them and the bright chartreuse green is my fave.  

I don’t know if I will get smaller or lose weight.  The only way I will know is by how my clothes fit because I just can’t weigh or measure my self any more.   I don’t have an ideal size in mind, I figure this is up to my body to let me know what my size should be.  I believe that if I can for the most part eliminate emotional/stress overeating and that I listen to my body giving it gentle nutrition, that I may end up smaller/lighter.  Or not.  Either way it doesn’t matter.   The goal is to overcome old, poor habits and trust myself and my body.  That’s it.  To learn how to deal with my stress and emotions.  Instead of grabbing something sweet that I am not truly hungry for, I sit down and journal my feelings or go for a long walk to ease anxiety.  It’s all about self-care which I have ignored for years.  

It’s time to be brutally honest with myself each moment of every day and ask myself ‘what do you need right now?’.  There is truly no better time than right now to be my own best friend.  

 

 

Intuitive Eating Didn’t Work (Completely) for Me – Battling Emotional (etc.) Eating

Last year, I went on this whole intuitive eating bit.  I read books and listened to podcasts, I did parts of a workbook, I wholly wanted to incorporate this into my life.  And to be clear before I continue, I still believe diets don’t work nor do I feel weight or BMI should be a measurement of your worth or health.  You are GORGEOUS and AMAZING no matter what that stupid scale says.  We have to quit judging each other whether we are fat, thin, tall, short, black, white, brown, red, male, female, neutral or trans gender, sexual orientation, rich, poor, average, whatever.  Just stop it.  Just fucking stop judging.  If you’re a kind person and you can deal with my nasty sense of humor, chances are we’ll be friends.  Or I’ll at least tolerate you with returned kindness.

Also, I still believe intuitive eating should be part of my life, eating when I’m hungry and really thinking about what I want to eat.  However, I gained 30 lbs over the course of this new intuitive eating.  Why?  Because my body craves shit.  It craves sweets and junk and frankly, I’m still have not completely conquered my tendency to eat when I’m upset, stressed, bored or its evening.  For some reason, evenings are the worst for me.  And my body isn’t craving celery, it’s screaming SUGAR!!!!! FAT!!!!!! SALT!!!!!!  I read in a book that your gut biome, if it’s out of whack can cause these kind of cravings.  Regardless of the reason, I have a lot working against me (though probiotics, fermented food and yogurt tend to make me sick).  It could be that and/or it could be past abuses, trauma, coping mechanisms, etc.

I really don’t know why my body doesn’t say ‘apple’ which would be good for me but rather ‘milk chocolate covered caramels’.  I’m not making this shit up, if my body (and/or mind-emotions-psyche-gut biome) had its way, I’d eat nothing but sugar day in and day out.  Which makes me feel awful.  This summer, 9/28/2018 to be exact, I was road riding on my country roads.  It wasn’t particularly hot or windy, actually the conditions were pretty nice for cycling.   Except I was struggling and frustrated, even on a flat section of my route.  When I got home, sweaty and exhausted, I dug out the scale hidden away in my garage where I had put it so I wouldn’t use it, and weighed myself.  I had gained over thirty pounds.  It doesn’t take a physics genius to figure out that the heavier and larger you are, the harder it is to propel your fat ass around with two wheels, a chain and crank.  I had literally added a bag of kitty litter to myself.  Strapped on a bag and just took off again.  Of course I was struggling!

So I took the scale back up to my bathroom and stuck it in the closet.  Again, I use this as a marker as my weight can jump up 5 lbs just from a heavy work out.  Using my phone, I took multiple full-length ‘before’ pictures of my body and emailed them to myself to keep as reference.  I dug out the tape measure, opened my long standing Excel spreadsheet with measurements clear back to 2004, and started a new section.  Then I recorded my current measurements.  I’ve found even if my weight doesn’t move, my measurements can drop significantly.   If you want a less potentially triggering way to track your progress, skip all that I’m doing and pay attention to how your clothes fit.  Do what works for you.

I started to sort of watch what I ate.  Though late November, 11/28/2018, to be exact (what is with the 28th of the month and epiphanies lately?), I found myself pissed off about how I ate the night prior.  Actually, I’d been building up to this point.  My life is pretty good except for the stress and crap at my job and this stupid overeating.  I will be 50 in February of 2020.  I do not want to be struggling with the same crap for the next decades of my life.  I want to be fit and healthy.  Not necessarily thin but I want to conquer my tendency to choose crappy foods and stuff crap in my hole when I’m feeling anything but completely serene.  I want to overcome this coping mechanisms so I whipped out my cell phone and reinstalled the app, My Plate, and started back in my food journal.

I’ll admit, food journaling tends to piss me off.  I SHOULD know how to eat.  I know what’s healthy (for the most part) and what’s not.  But I also love to lie to myself and conveniently ‘forget’ I ate a big old candy bar after lunch because I had been slammed with meetings and people asking me a bunch of questions that they already know the answer to at work that day.  I also know though that food journaling works for me.  As much as it’s annoying, it forces me to be accountable to me.  They say oh find someone to be accountable to, a friend or loved one.  This may work for some people but I would totally eat more in rebellion.  Maybe it’s the Irish in me.  Screw you friend that cares, I’m going to eat this family sized candy bar just to show you!  Show them what?  I have no idea.  But basically it comes back to our five-year old selves – ‘You’re not the boss of me!’.  Except it’s self-destructive.

The hardest person for me to be accountable to is me.  I’m going to kick my own ass all over the place more than any other person on the planet.  I am my toughest audience, friend and well, sometimes, enemy.  Plus, food journaling helps me get back into healthy eating.  As much as I hate to admit it, when I eat more fruits and veggies and less crap, I feel amazing.  I am being rewarded for taking care of my body, but my rebellious stubborn side still wants to punish myself for whatever dysfunction that still lives on inside me.  Taking care of myself whether it’s food, exercise, sleep, rest or disconnecting, is the way I overcome this tendency to disregard my needs.  Putting my needs first is sticking it to the man.  Whatever the ‘man’ from my past really is.  I’ve read 100’s of self-help books, journaled until my hand hurts, been in 100’s of therapy sessions and still old habits hold on.

Overcoming my emotional (etc) overeating is my goal for this next year and beyond.  While they preach you just have to accept yourself as heavy if this is where you end up when you utilize intuitive eating, I don’t want to keep struggling the rest of my life with carrying basically the equivalent of a thin, petite woman on my frame.  I’ve named her Agatha (no clue why) and imagine her as this old crabby lady trying to slow me down.  I’m carrying her piggy back and she keeps kicking me in the fat rolls with her sensible SAS shoes, the chunky heels leaving bruises while berating me for this and that with a harsh, nasally voice.  I really want to get Agatha the F off my back.  And her weight off my body, my joints and free myself.  Each time I choose healthy, each time I exercise (I bought a basic exercise bike for my living room cuz I know I will use it over a gym membership) and each time I chose to care for myself, more and more of Agatha starts disappearing.  It’s as if she slowly turning to dust, particles being swept up into the breeze and leaving me just a little more lighter.

Granted, I have an active imagination but I find this to be great motivation.  The food journal app, the scale and the measuring tape are all tools in this journey.  They aren’t something I need to rebel again (though I still catch myself).  Will I one day be able to truly intuitive eat?  I don’t know.  Maybe I will need to use a food journal the rest of my life.  Except maybe I go down to 2-3 days a week to keep me honest or if I’m having a bad day where I know I will revert to bad habits, I can use it to keep Agatha from returning, kicking my sides like I’m her pudgy horse she’s got to ride to a bridge tournament except she’s late and she hates being late.

I haven’t eliminated any foods from my diet though I did switch up to dark chocolate from milk chocolate.  I tend to binge on milk where the dark I don’t.  These are the changes, I am making.  Dark has more antioxidants so it’s good for me and I still get to really enjoy  chocolate, just not in huge quantities which are not so good for my body.  I’ve eliminated sugar from my hot and iced tea.  I still use half and half in my hot tea but I haven’t increased the amount to make up for the sugar.  Weird thing is, the cream tastes sweet to me now.  My iced tea, I put in an herbal fruit flavor bag with my regular family sized decaf ice tea bags.  Sometimes I cut up oranges or lemons or whatever to put in my iced tea so I enjoy it more.  I really don’t want the sugar back into it.

Another change I made several months back is cutting caffeine out of my life.  Going into menopause, your body suddenly gets super sensitive to everything (as if you weren’t being punished enough with mood swings and hot flashes).  I gave all my caffeinated tea except for some oolong to my youngest daughter.  I don’t recommend starting this during the work week though.  The first day I went decaf, I was at work and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn’t even drink that much caffeine to be honest.  A few cups of tea a day.   If I missed my morning tea, I would get irritable and would most likely garner a migraine.  It had started to feel like a chain around my neck.  I HAD to have caffeine.

You know what though?  After a few weeks of limiting caffeine (I’m not a Nazi about it, if I get a little caffeine here and there it’s ok), but my migraines disappeared.  Oolong tea had helped that previously but probably because it’s so caffeinated.  The other thing I struggled with was if I skipped a meal or didn’t eat ‘enough’, I’d get a migraine.  Now, I don’t drive my husband nuts when we are traveling or doing something that he has to keep me on a consistent eating schedule or I’d get a migraine.  That was annoying for both of us.  Whatever sensitivity I had regarding meal timing and migraines, went out the window which helps me eat only when hungry a key component in intuitive eating that I truly agree with.

Taking care of myself has been paying off with better overall health, I’m down roughly 18 lbs and 10.25 inches overall.  I just feel better in general.  Giving up caffeine has been an added bonus and each day, I try to find new or better ways to eat, sleep, exercise and take care of myself.  Small changes can add up to huge results in the end.  Not that I don’t still struggle with my emotional eating.  But at least now, using the food journal app, I catch myself when I’m doing it where I would completely ignore this before.  When I catch myself, I have to do the hard work of figuring out what is really the problem.  THen when I determine the issue, I must determine how to address it.  What can I do to help myself feel better?  Soothe myself with something besides food.  It’s frustrating after all these years I still haven’t conquered this but I’m  back at it.

The bottom line – do what works for you.  That’s what it all comes down to in the end.  Experts, well-meaning friends, diet gurus, etc. all want to tell us how to ‘fix’ ourselves but it’s never just so simple as oh, I need to educate myself.  We know an orange is better than a Snickers bar.  We have to dig deeper than just eating 1800 calories a day.  We have to figure out why we are using food to comfort ourselves, etc.  We all have our own reasons.  Women who were sexually assaulted have a high probability of being obese which is really the shit since we have been through enough already.  But we wear our ‘fat suit’ as protection or it seems like protection.  Whatever the reason, don’t get angry at yourself.  Be kind to yourself as you would your best friend or child.  Say, it’s okay you do this but let’s find a better way to cope so we don’t feel worse later.  You deserve this kindness.

Love yourself, take care of yourself and know that right now, no matter what you weigh, you’re amazing and deserve love and respect.  I love you all and I’m right there with you.  xoxoxox

 

 

 

Sometimes It’s Just Hard Work

I went through this whole intuitive eating/ movement kick earlier this year. Renouncing diets (still do) and advocating doing what you feel like doing. I gained roughly 25 lbs. I know because I went back to weighing myself occasionally but without judgment and criticism. I noticed my clothes were getting tighter. I felt crappy. I was happier because I was free from diets but what these ladies preach may not be completely great for me.

My employer is participating in the Global Challenge where you set up teams of seven of your co-workers and record your steps each day trying to outdo one another. You get this little digital pedometer that syncs with an app to your phone. The challenge runs for 100 days and I’m 51 days in. My daily goal has been 10k steps the first part and now it’s 10.5k steps. I know I have to set achievable goals or I will drive myself crazy with the failure of it.

Many of these anti-diet promoters also promote moving when you feel like it along with eating what you want when you’re hungry. However, participating in this challenge lead me to an interesting discovery. The first week of achieving 10k steps a day was definite a struggle I’m not used to being that active every day. I also discovered how little I move when I’m at the office. If I reach 3000 steps in my work day, I’m lucky. This has prompted me to really push to get out of my chair and take a walk to the other side of the facility. Or walk uptown for my once a week lunch date with my BFF. Or walk a few laps around the building.

I didn’t feel like doing this most days and really had to push myself. So if I followed the advice of the anti-diet, intuitive eating crowd, I’d never really exercise much because I just wouldn’t feel like it. Another interesting result is the daily 10k+ (I’m currently averaging 15,500 steps due to frequent cycling – 229 steps per minute for moderate cycling) is that the exercise has quenched for the most part my desire to eat when I’m bored, stressed etc. It’s counteracted my overactive appetite. Seven weeks in, my ravenous appetite hasn’t returned. Not that some days I’m hungrier than others, but I’m not binging much on snacks and such anymore for just the activity of eating. Which with exercise has netted me an 11.2 lb loss without dieting at all.

It’s not easy to get yourself up and move like that every single day. I’ve fallen short 3 times out of 51 days but my average step count has kept consistent. I haven’t jumped for joy to get up on my bike another time when my inner thighs have painfully chafed because I got rained on the day before and my wet bike shorts rubbed against my delicate skin. I put on some skin protectant and got my happy ass back out on that bike the next day because I didn’t have the almost 2 hours to walk to get in my steps. It take 44 minutes of cycling to hit 10k steps at a moderate pace.

Tonight, I wanted to go up and lie down because I haven’t been sleeping well at all. I forced myself to gather up my dog and my walking shoes. Then I drove to the lake and walked 3 miles to get over 10k. I had to really push myself to walk that far. I picked out a shelter house in the distance along the path and made it my turn around point. When I got back into the car, the skies opened up and it poured. Tired and sore, I smiled to myself with the accomplishment of making my step goal and moving. Also, I was rewarded with a brilliant rainbow over the lake when the sun peaked out. The result – happiness.

Living a healthy lifestyle is work. Eating healthier takes thought and planning. Exercising every day definitely requires planning and dedication. It’s hard some days. Really hard others. I still believe in not dieting, to intuitively eat but I’ve also started focusing on eating more veggies and fruit just because it makes me feel good. As far as moving when I feel like it, joyful movement, eh. I believe you need to choose activities you enjoy, mix it up, try new things but this one you have to really prioritize and make it part of your life. Few of us are so super happy to exercise every day but it is so worth the effort.

My weight loss is just a marker and has not been my goal. I haven’t tried to lose weight at all. I just find it interesting that it happened without dieting. Just to be clear, I don’t believe you should measure your success by a scale. But I do love that my clothes are getting looser. But even more, I love that I feel good (outside of being sore some days), I’m out in the world more and experiencing cool things like rainbows where I may have missed them.

Like the old adage “nothing worth having ever comes easy” or however it goes, is so true. Sometimes I want everything to be easy but easy doesn’t pay big dividends.

Surprising Revelation After Letting Go of Diets

Just a quick check in as I’ve stopped journaling about the whole food peace journey and wanted to let go thinking about it all. It’s been about four months since I embarked on this new way of life and no, I have not suddenly become thin. Actually I’m the same size. While this may seem like it should be disappointing, when you let go of worrying about your weight and body size, there is a surprising outcome when you let go. Happiness. Acceptance. More time to focus on things you enjoy.

I was inspired to write this short post when I was walking by the full length mirrors in my bathroom and I didn’t cringe, I didn’t criticize my body (even in my own mind) and I felt happy looking at myself. My body hasn’t changed. I haven’t miraculously become thin or super fit. Actually, I’m pretty fit for a fat girl and working on getting even fitter (not thinner – if that happens it does, if it doesn’t so what). Since I have stopped judging myself, my body, my weight and my appearance, I feel so much better about myself and my body. I see more positive rather than negative things about it and 0 has changed about my body. I actually like my body, fat, cellulite, freckles, scars, stretch marks, and muscle. I love what my body can do and I want to train so I can do even more. Not to mention I love just eating food without restriction or worry. You stop thinking about it so much and free up even more time.

Most of us as kids, go through a phase where we are fascinated with ourselves in a mirror. We look at ourselves, trying to figure out how we fit together. We didn’t stand there and say, OMG, my knees are fat or something silly like that. We are a wonderful, amazing machine of flesh, bone, blood and organs. It feels really great and freeing to look in a mirror and not criticize something about myself. To feel as if I don’t measure up with the other humans. That I should hide my body and hide myself because I’m fat or whatever.

I’m so dang happy about this. I can’t even express it. I also find I treat myself better in general. I pay attention to eating a little more healthy just because I want to feel my best and nourish my body. I don’t put off buying clothes until I’m smaller. Actually I’m going to sign up with one of those services who send you clothes that you can pick and choose from. I eat what I want when I’m hungry, when I want it. I still emotionally eat a bit but I don’t go overboard because I’m feeling bad about doing so. We all do it from time to time. It’s ok to comfort ourselves sometimes.

Come on guys, life is too short for diets and feeling bad about yourself. You deserve the very best and you deserve to be loved for who you, as you are, today. If you have to change your body for someone to love you, that’s just bullshit. Love yourself. Treat yourself well. Don’t put up with other people’s crap. Stand up for yourself, fat or thin, who cares. You’re awesome and beautiful and wonderful just the way you are. We need to be kind to others but also to ourselves. Especially kind to ourselves. Let go of the crap, let yourself be happy right here, right now, in this very moment. We only have this one life.

If someone said something hateful to you about how you look, who you are, well F*ck them. They aren’t perfect. They have their own flaws, one being that they are an insecure ass who has to put others down to feel good about themselves. Other people’s opinions are none of your business (not my saying). Stop reading those fitness and fashion magazines and articles telling you how to dress, weigh, and so on. Just do what you want. Who cares? I’m fat and I’m going to wear horizontal stripes. I’m almost 50 but I’m not going to dress like I’m ready for the nursing home or like I’m 20. I’m going to dress in what makes me feel good and happy. Screw those rules for how to dress when you’re 30, 40… Who said these people anyway? They aren’t the boss of me. They just want to sell products and magazines. Just like the diet industry is in the BILLIONS of dollars. Stop being their puppet. STOP IT!

Let go of the crap and let yourself be happy, right here, right now. You are beautiful, wonderful, amazing and loved right in this moment. Enjoy it. Set yourself free. It’s one of the best things I have ever done for myself, I hope you find that way as well. Ciao!

Food Peace Journal – Final Entry – Just Living My Life

Today, four years ago, my mother lost her brave and ferocious fight with cancer. I’ve spent the weekend quietly reflecting in quite a bit of solitude. I was melancholy but not overtly sad. Reflecting on life. My mom was only 72 when she died and I’m already 48. Life is so short. Shorter than you can ever fathom. This is going to be my final entry on food peace not because I am giving up the journey, but because by focusing on this even though I’ve given up dieting, I’m losing precious moments of my life that I could be spending in other more meaningful ways. Diet culture and worrying about weight and what you eat steals days, probably years from people’s lives.

For me spending a bunch of time listening to podcasts and reading books on intuitive eating, etc. is also really not necessary. The just of it is, eat when you are hungry, eat until you are satisfied, don’t beat yourself up if you eat too much sometimes, don’t restrict foods or you will binge, you’ll emotionally eat occasionally, and eat when you want (no food is off limits except for medical or religious reasons). Trust your body and go back to living. Take the hours you worry about weight, size, diet, etc. and live. Spend time with your family, focus on your career (if that’s important), find your calling, help others, immerse yourself in your favorite hobby, travel, hike, bike, run, swim, spend time outdoors, raise money for a charity close to your heart, go back to school, start that dream career, sit and watch the waves roll in, whatever you love because it is all over in the blink of an eye. Get out and live. Get out and have fun. Enjoy life as much as you can.

For me, I unsubscribed from all my food/non-diet podcasts and I am going to replace them with audiobooks because I realize there are so MANY books out there I want to read. I’m going to streamline my home chores as I spend a large amount of time cleaning. You get the picture. Looking in my life to see where I am wasting time on things that don’t bring me joy and replacing them with things that make me happy as much as I can. I’ll still blog occasionally, on whatever happens to inspire me at the moment (hence the ‘random thoughts’ tag). I may take my blog back into more a travel/adventure type blog with entries about places I visit. I really enjoy writing about them (as well as exploring).

Thank you for reading my food peace journey, feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or want some additional resources. It’s encouraging to see so many items available now to help you reach peace with your eating and loving your body just as you are. Acceptance is a wonderful thing as is diversity. We can’t all be skinny, we can’t all be white, we can’t all be straight, etc. The world would be so boring without the wonders of differences. Now quit reading this and go do something you love! Ciao!

Food Peace Journal – Week 10 – For the Love of a Zebra Cake

Holy Swiss rolls, I’m 2.5 months into this bad boy of Intuitive Eating. Am I thinner? Nope. That’s not the point and honestly, I’ve been overeating a bit so my jeans are a little tighter. Intuitive eating is something I am definitely still learning. I don’t believe it’s something you automatically pick up if you haven’t been eating this way most of your life. There are so many ‘rules’ that have been embedded into your mind and psyche, that it take time to retrain yourself and how you eat.

Coming out of a dieting mindset and realizing that you can eat whatever you want is much like being a kid locked in a candy store overnight. There is a bonanza of foods that you can suddenly eat again or maybe for the first time. Starting Intuitive Eating is scary, and it feels like walking out of a dark, dank prison cell and into the sunlight of freedom. Don’t be surprised if you go through a period where you actually grow a little bigger (get off that scale!) because you’re indulging in all the deliciousness you had been forbidden for years. Then you remember, hmm, I’m only supposed to eat until I’m just satisfied but but lately, I have been eating past that point, quite a bit. Your first instinct will be to start restricting your food intake and what you eat. STOP! Do not do this.

I’m at this point right now and I know the panic you might just be feeling. I’m getting fat (or fatter)! I have to stop, control and restrict before I blow up into a Macy’s parade balloon. Take a breath, a deep and calming breath and remember you’re okay (I just did this yesterday). Think about why you are eating more than you want (or whatever is going on). It’s not about what you are eating but why you are eating. This is a hard thing to decipher at times especially if it is something you’ve done for years. Be kind with yourself, remember that this takes baby steps and it’s a learning experience. You’re undoing years of dieting behavior. Years of emotional eating, though you’ll always have times that you emotionally eat, as much as we want, it’s impossible to be perfect and it’s okay that food provides comfort at times. Deep breath, calming thoughts, its all okay. It’s even okay if you get bigger, we are more than our bodies – I am using this mantra a lot lately.

Being patient with yourself is so hard especially when you have a fear of being ‘too fat’. I know my odd is a little bigger right now than a few weeks ago and since I pursue athletic pastimes like hiking and cycling, I am freaking out inside that I will not be able to do activities I love because I am getting bigger. I don’t want my size to limit my life. So I had to stop my momentary freak out and remind myself that I’m fine just as I am, I just need to look at the fact that I’m eating a lot of times when I am not hungry and figure out why. Maybe it is because I’m stressed at work, maybe it’s because the four-year anniversary of my mom’s passing is close or maybe I feel lonely or bored. Therein is where the hard work comes up, the reason(s) behind the ‘why’ when I emotionally eat. My body is telling me one important thing, I”m feeding it more than it wants, so I need to figure out why I am ignoring my hunger cues. It is a simple theory but not always so simple to figure out. It gives me something to work toward though.

That aside, I have a little story of a hike that I took over a week ago. I took my dog and drove to one of my favorite, closer parks. The sun was out though it was still cold but the wind was calm. I needed some gas so I stopped at a gas station about a mile from the park entrance. While I was pumping gas, I realized, I’m hungry so I went inside for a drink and a snack. I’m asking myself what I might want. What sounds good to me, I pick up a pack of trail mix, nah, on to the next idea. Out of habit I walk by the endcap full of Little Debbie snacks. Little Debbie’s have been forbidden fruit for a long time. I rarely eat one or even buy them. I stop halfway up the next aisle of snacks and realize I want a Zebra cake. White icing with brown stripes over some kind of white cake with cream filling. When was the last time that I actually ate one? No clue. I bought the cake and a tea.

The park is closed to auto traffic right now which is a big bonus to me, the lover of solitude. I packed up my coat with my key lanyard, my cell phone, my tiny notebook and pencil in case I wanted to write or sketch and the Zebra cake. Bundling up and grabbing the dog’s leash, I took to the wooded trails rather than the paved ones today as the mud was minimal. I did one trail, cross the paved road for the nature trail which partially runs along the river. Out of habit I had started a route with my Map My Walk app. Standing a few feet into the woods, I realized I had been walking fast and not paying a bit of attention to my surroundings. I pulled out my phone and deleted all my fitness apps. I can always put them back on if I want but I continued without thinking about speed or steps or calories burned.

Do you know what happens when you aren’t trying to walk to fast and burn calories? The world comes back to you. When you get out of the ‘training’ mode and just enjoy your surroundings, it’s a completely different experience. I would have walked right by the path down to the river because I had to go fast. I would have missed the fact that across the river where the bank was higher, where the trees’ roots anchored the soil and my oldest daughter had recreated in her first college art print, the trees had fallen after all the rain and crashed down right beside where I stood on the trail. A bit of melancholy for a special place to my daughters and I. Looking around, I found several sycamore branches that I picked up to take home. When it warms up, I will clean up the jagged ends and clear coat them for decorations. I would have missed the way the sun felt on my face when I just stopped, closed my eyes and turned my face to the sun, the sounds of the rushing river soothing my soul.

On the way back to the car, I traipsed the same trail I had quickly walked through before I had deleted my fitness apps. I passed the covered bridge and settled into the woods again until I came to a bench in the sun. My stomach was growling a little so I thought it was a great moment to eat my snack. I tied the dog’s leash to the bench as he is so impatient and pulled out the slightly mushed cake. Opening the cellophane, I broke off a piece of cake and tasted it. Granted, this is not the mecca of baked goods but it brings back happy memories of my childhood. In a way, it felt like I was a bit of a kid again, especially when I realized I was swinging my leg like kids do when they are happy. I slipped out my notebook and sketched the woods and covered bridge. Sketch, take a bite, pause, just be. It was the perfect afternoon. Quiet, simple, unrushed, like the summers of my youth. Why do we get so busy doing, achieving, improving and so on? I had forgotten to slow down. Well I’ve told myself I had slowed down but I was still walking too fast to enjoy what was right around me.

We wonder where the joy and fun of childhood escapes as we age but we push it away with all our responsibilities, to-do lists and constant need to be achieving something. We can’t eat a snack cake because it’s unhealthy and will make you fat. But I wasn’t fat as a kid. I ate plenty of them. I just ate when I was hungry normally. I finished my sketch, adding the date to the bottom. I stuck the wrapper in my pocket to discard in a trash can and set back to my car. I don’t know how far I walked or how fast I walked nor do I know how many steps I took. Tracking all that stuff never made me thin anyway and I’m not training for any events. I just felt that I should do that kind of metrics. Why? What is the point? To suck all the joy out of the little things in my life? Oh track your exercise and it will force you to burn more calories. Maybe it does but again, I’m not thin still. I may never be thin and it”s hard to accept that possibility and live with it but I am working on it.

When I went home, I didn’t stop and buy a box of Zebra cakes to binge on. I was happy and contented with one. The knowledge that I can have one whenever I wanted keeps me from wanting to binge on them. It is only when they are forbidden do I feel the need to scarf them down like I may never have another meal. It’s simple psychology when you think about it.

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down, I pull out my notebook with the sketch and look at it. The memory makes me happy, makes me smile. For the love of a Zebra cake and letting go of achieving every moment of every day.

Food Peace Journal – Empowerment & Self-Discovery

I can’t believe I’m already 9 weeks into this journey. Have I lost weight? I have no freaking idea! Not knowing what I weigh, not caring about what I weight, is like shrugging off heavy log chains that have been wrapped around my body. The empowerment and freedom that comes with not caring anymore about what I weigh, policing what I eat and giving up diet culture completely, is so amazing. I feel happier in general. I’m not thinner, my clothes fit about the same, but no one goes to a funeral and says, “Oh, I really admired her for her weight”. In the grand scheme of living, weight doesn’t matter. Body size doesn’t matter. F all that.

Occasionally, I have what I call a check-in session with my therapist. The recent appointment was spurred when I thought I wanted to go to this writer’s group meeting and at the last minute changed my mind. The group looks fun, it is very supportive and it’s not a critique group. Instead, I ended up at my fave coffee shop in the opposite direction writing in my journal alone. So I started to wonder, is there something wrong with me? I asked this of my therapist and she peppered me with questions. Then she sat back in her chair and said, “I just don’t think you enjoy group things. That you are a private person who enjoys her own company.” Bam! I sat back and let that sink in. Why didn’t I think of that? Why did I think I was weird because I don’t want to do what everyone else does?

I’ve always been a bit of an outsider. Sometimes pushed there because I didn’t fit in but mostly because I am very private. When I think back, I have never stuck with group activities very long. I would sign up for classes at the Y to only go a few times. When I mention this, she said you don’t like all your time structured. You are very creative and this just isn’t your jam more or less. Well she used better terms than ‘jam’ but you get my point. Then to solidify her deductions, a memory popped up in FaceBook where I had taken the Jung-Briggs personality test. I took it again just out of curiosity that it may have changed. Nope. INFJ-A – The Advocate. Less than 1% of the population has my personality type according to the test. Well no wonder I felt a bit of an outsider. The description is very much me – creative, private, sensitive, perfectionist (not as much now), definitive, passionate about things I love, and so on. The private thing hadn’t clicked with me last year though.

This was the first time I had walked out of my therapist’s office feeling excited and happy. Free and empowered again. She’s always been helpful but this really clicked. I’m okay as I am. I am no longer dieting. I don’t have to keep trying to change myself to fit in, to be what I think society wants me to be. I can keep learning about myself and whatever I find is okay. I don’t have to join groups, I don’t have to lose 50 lbs, I don’t have to let snarky people upset me, or morons ruin my day with their crap. I can live my life the way I want it for the most part. Granted, we all have responsiblities but for the first time in my life, mine are minimal compared to five years ago. I have the opportunity to figure out myself some more, try out new hats, have new adventures and learn to fully relax.

I have been ‘on’ so much in my life, I find it hard to relax. This is the next thing I am going to work on. Case in point, I had time to take a nap after work yesterday as I haven’t been sleeping well for the longest time (hot flashes at night). I laid there but couldn’t relax enough to sleep. Time to fix that. Not sure how but I’ll figure it out. I think I have to give myself permission to not always be doing something, accomplishing something, cleaning something.

It’s empowering to be able to eat what you want as well. I find the longer I practice intuitive eating, the less I am overeating. I leave food on my plate more often. I will only eat half an orange then put the other half in the frig for later. I have never just eaten half an orange at least as an adult. I’d finish it even if I didn’t want it all. Why? Because I was raised you had to eat everything you take or were served. But that is bullshit. I have a half of a fudge bar in a freezer baggie in there too. If it’s still good when I go to eat it, then fine and if not, I’ll throw it away. The world will not end if I throw away a half of a fudge bar. Giving yourself permission to eat what you want, only as much as you truly want is powerful stuff. It’s like getting out of jail free. Food jail that is.

The more I let my body tell me what it wants, the more I find I don’t eat the same anymore. Some nights I barely eat at all. Other nights, I eat as if I came out of the jungle after 40 days. All I do is listen and pay attention to my hunger cues. Your body doesn’t necessarily want 3 meals a day with a few snacks. It may not want 6 small meals. It may want a shit ton of food at breakfast and a little here and there the rest of the day. I know my daily caloric intake fluctuates quite a bit. So following a specific calorie count each day probably isn’t as healthy as they want you to believe. Unless you have a specific medical condition that requires such intake. Each day your body has specific needs and it will tell you if you listen.

Speaking of listening to hunger cues, my body is telling me it’s time to wrap up this post and go find some sustenance. Life is short… eat the cake! Or whatever your body wants.