Toward the end of 2018, I decided to make some pledges (not resolutions) to myself and my own well-being. They are:
- My Health & Fitness – Conquering my overeating & shed the extra “person” I carry from the result of not dealing with my emotions, boredom, etc.
- My Peace – I can’t control other people/situations but I can control how I react.
- My Self-Care – Putting this first, I deserve it at all times.
- My Joys – Once my responsibilities are taken care of, I deserve to spend my time in ways that make me happy and joyous.
So No. 1 is what I’m going to focus on though they all sort of tie in together. First off, #1 is not a diet. I’m not counting calories or forcing myself to work out to burn calories. Sometimes I log my food to pick up on trouble spots, make myself more mindful when I’m eating at points that I’m not hungry and maybe need to address some underlying emotions or issues. When I started Intuitive Eating, I didn’t address the core reason I struggle with overeating to start with. Growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic household, food became my drug of choice since when you’re 9-10 years old you usually don’t have access to drugs and alcohol. Though watching my father, I knew I didn’t want to abuse alcohol. Food was my friend, my comfort and still is today except now I want to go a step further and shed my frequent need for comforting with food. This feels like one of the final steps I need to take in my journey to overcoming my past abuses and traumas. Frankly, I don’t want what happened to me in the past to win.
Long story short, I didn’t truly follow Intuitive Eating (IE) as it is intended. I used it as an excuse to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, but I wasn’t eating to true hunger, I was shoveling junk into my big mouth to buffer the pain and anxiety from my past. Then I blamed IE for failing me. Nope, I failed me. I was eating when I wasn’t truly hungry. I wasn’t listening to my body but to my emotions, my fears, my anxiety, my stress, my boredom, etc. IE didn’t fail me, I failed IE. I failed myself but it’s okay. It’s all in a learning and recovery process.
People who have suffered abuse, sexual trauma/rape etc. especially women, tend to be overweight as a coping mechanism. Wearing a “fat suit” makes you feel safer from unwanted attention. Start to lose weight, get smaller and the moment you start garnering more uncomfortable attention, you’ll unconsciously start overeating to pad up your protective fat suit. In a way, it feels like your superpower to be invisible to other people. You can fade into the background considering you’re not being targeted for fat-shaming.
In my life, I have experienced verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse so I struggle in many different ways but I’m determined to overcome these coping mechanisms. It’s time I break free of my past and live a freer life. I know I will always be haunted by my past but I don’t want it to win. I will falter but I will pick myself up, brush off and keep going. Eventually, the falls will become infrequent and I will also learn to catch myself before hitting the ground sometimes. But I have to be patient and kind with my trips. I just want to overcome and drop this baggage. I want to stop suffering, stop overeating and take care of my body. It feels like this extra “person” of fat/weight that I carry around weighs me down and serves as a constant reminder that I’m still letting my past win.
The principles of IE are simple: Eat when hungry – eat what you want until just satisfied. Incorporate gentle nutrition and joyful movement. Well this is my take on it, the book is more involved but this is the overall view. When you are struggling with emotional/stress overeating, it throws in an additional challenge. I’m not going to diet any more. I’m not going to weigh or measure myself. It has never once helped in the long run. I’m not going to berate myself for what I eat but I’m also going to stop ignoring my emotional overeating and fool myself to believe oh, it’s just intuitive eating. Um, yeah, Laura, nope, nice try. Stop excusing your overeating as IE. Just stop it already.
The other night, hubby and I went to Walmart to get some groceries but it had started pouring down rain while we were inside. Our car was halfway up the parking lot so I grabbed ahold of the cart, bracing some of my weight on the handle and started running toward it. Because some of my weight was being carried by the cart, I felt this incredible lightness. I couldn’t tell you how many pounds the cart way holding but it doesn’t really matter. The experience made me think of how much better I would feel if I was not carrying an extra ‘person’ of weight. How much lighter and stronger I would feel. How much more I could do. Of course this triggered the whole dieting thing in my head, but I pushed it out of my mind. I can’t live my life dieting. But I can live my life honoring what my body wants and needs. I can honor my life by dealing with the hard emotions, loneliness, sadness, grief, anger, frustration, etc. by facing those uncomfortable feelings. My body is padded with all my overeating.
Another recent experience is I deleted all my fitness tracking apps off of my phone. Since my late teens, movement has been mandated exercise to lose weight. I must walk, ride, run, hike – X amount of time at Y intensity to burn Z calories. It was never about joy or enjoyment. Diet mentality sucks. One day I walked four miles with my daughter on the bike path. Several times I caught myself thinking – ‘you better walk faster you’re not burning enough calories’, ‘quit stopping, your heart rate will drop’ and ‘push, push, push’. Each time, I would push those thoughts out of my mind and go back to enjoying what I was doing. If I wanted to stop and poke under the leaf litter hoping to find an early wildflower, then so be it. If I wanted to stop and take a few photos of an area, no problem. If I just wanted to stop, close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air, go for it. Somewhere along the way, I had completely given up my enjoyment of being outside moving. Without realizing it, we had walked four miles (my phone auto tracks steps and I checked out of habit).
The next day, it was warmer and the sun was in and out. Being in west-central Ohio, the winters can be brutal and I wanted to get back outside. This time I drove to a park fairly close to my house that has a lot of off pavement trails as walking on pavement makes my knees and hips hurt if I do it too much. Even though it was muddy, I brought an extra pair of hiking shoes and set off. This time the exercise Nazi in my head was quieter. A few times, she popped up but I ignored her commands. I wasn’t on a set schedule and had several hours to myself. Before, I would have my exercise tracking app on and be compulsively checking it for my average walking speed, calories burned and time elapsed. I’d be hiking briskly, not stopping to admire much of anything.
Three different times, I had scared up a giant blue heron who was fishing in the creek and nearby small lake in the park. The last time I saw him, he was standing on a slowly shrinking ice patch at one end of the lake. He cocked his head to one side so he could see me better as I slowly approached. I pulled out my phone and started taking pictures with my camera. I crept along the trail excited that he hadn’t flown away this time. He watched me cautiously and I watched him. As I gently took soft steps, I was able to get closer photos until I had walked right by him (or her – I have no idea how to tell them apart). I stood there staring back at him, taking in the quiet of the day, the sun coming in and out from behind the traveling clouds. Maybe, I thought, if I were to have a spirit animal, maybe it’s a blue heron.
Eventually, I moved on and he stayed on his ice perch to fish. As I finished my hike, I reflected on my heron encounter. A month ago, I would have been so focused on burning calories that I would have barreled down the trail scaring the heron a fourth time. I wouldn’t have given myself permission to just go gently, slowly and enjoy the encounter with reverence and awe of such a beautiful bird. My mom used to say ‘like a bull in a china shop’. Well that’s been me going through my life breaking things and missing the delicate cues of the world around me. Missing the beauty of the ‘china’. I don’t want to be the bull anymore. I don’t want to charge through my life.
When I got back to my car, I was surprised to find I had walked five miles based on my phone’s step counter. This time I checked out of sheer curiosity and not a goal. If I had set my goal to hike five miles, I would have charged through just wanting to get it over with and on to the next thing. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the hike like I did that day. I’d been impatient and making up reasons in my head why I couldn’t possibly hike five miles. But this time, I took my time, I took many photos with my phone (prompting me to order a recharageable portable power source since I almost ran the phone battery down). I spent time just being present, being mindful. I didn’t even notice I had hiked so far because distance wasn’t my goal. Left to my own devices and enjoyment, I obviously will hike further than I would expect.
Between the grocery cart experience and that day’s joyful hike, I realized I am on the right track. I want to be lighter, more joyful, less encumbered and simply mindful. When I ordered the power source, I also ordered a small sling day pack to carry a water bottle, maybe a sketch book, some charcoals and possibly my Nikon camera. I also ordered a bracelet with a butterfly charm as a reminder to focus on the beautiful, to fly above the world’s expectations and BS, as a promise to myself to enjoy life, to honor what my body needs, to conquer the emotional/stress eating, to live the very best way I can. I also ordered a pack of my fave Pilot V5 roller ball pens in a bunch of colors just because I wanted them and the bright chartreuse green is my fave.
I don’t know if I will get smaller or lose weight. The only way I will know is by how my clothes fit because I just can’t weigh or measure my self any more. I don’t have an ideal size in mind, I figure this is up to my body to let me know what my size should be. I believe that if I can for the most part eliminate emotional/stress overeating and that I listen to my body giving it gentle nutrition, that I may end up smaller/lighter. Or not. Either way it doesn’t matter. The goal is to overcome old, poor habits and trust myself and my body. That’s it. To learn how to deal with my stress and emotions. Instead of grabbing something sweet that I am not truly hungry for, I sit down and journal my feelings or go for a long walk to ease anxiety. It’s all about self-care which I have ignored for years.
It’s time to be brutally honest with myself each moment of every day and ask myself ‘what do you need right now?’. There is truly no better time than right now to be my own best friend.