Last year, I went on this whole intuitive eating bit. I read books and listened to podcasts, I did parts of a workbook, I wholly wanted to incorporate this into my life. And to be clear before I continue, I still believe diets don’t work nor do I feel weight or BMI should be a measurement of your worth or health. You are GORGEOUS and AMAZING no matter what that stupid scale says. We have to quit judging each other whether we are fat, thin, tall, short, black, white, brown, red, male, female, neutral or trans gender, sexual orientation, rich, poor, average, whatever. Just stop it. Just fucking stop judging. If you’re a kind person and you can deal with my nasty sense of humor, chances are we’ll be friends. Or I’ll at least tolerate you with returned kindness.
Also, I still believe intuitive eating should be part of my life, eating when I’m hungry and really thinking about what I want to eat. However, I gained 30 lbs over the course of this new intuitive eating. Why? Because my body craves shit. It craves sweets and junk and frankly, I’m still have not completely conquered my tendency to eat when I’m upset, stressed, bored or its evening. For some reason, evenings are the worst for me. And my body isn’t craving celery, it’s screaming SUGAR!!!!! FAT!!!!!! SALT!!!!!! I read in a book that your gut biome, if it’s out of whack can cause these kind of cravings. Regardless of the reason, I have a lot working against me (though probiotics, fermented food and yogurt tend to make me sick). It could be that and/or it could be past abuses, trauma, coping mechanisms, etc.
I really don’t know why my body doesn’t say ‘apple’ which would be good for me but rather ‘milk chocolate covered caramels’. I’m not making this shit up, if my body (and/or mind-emotions-psyche-gut biome) had its way, I’d eat nothing but sugar day in and day out. Which makes me feel awful. This summer, 9/28/2018 to be exact, I was road riding on my country roads. It wasn’t particularly hot or windy, actually the conditions were pretty nice for cycling. Except I was struggling and frustrated, even on a flat section of my route. When I got home, sweaty and exhausted, I dug out the scale hidden away in my garage where I had put it so I wouldn’t use it, and weighed myself. I had gained over thirty pounds. It doesn’t take a physics genius to figure out that the heavier and larger you are, the harder it is to propel your fat ass around with two wheels, a chain and crank. I had literally added a bag of kitty litter to myself. Strapped on a bag and just took off again. Of course I was struggling!
So I took the scale back up to my bathroom and stuck it in the closet. Again, I use this as a marker as my weight can jump up 5 lbs just from a heavy work out. Using my phone, I took multiple full-length ‘before’ pictures of my body and emailed them to myself to keep as reference. I dug out the tape measure, opened my long standing Excel spreadsheet with measurements clear back to 2004, and started a new section. Then I recorded my current measurements. I’ve found even if my weight doesn’t move, my measurements can drop significantly. If you want a less potentially triggering way to track your progress, skip all that I’m doing and pay attention to how your clothes fit. Do what works for you.
I started to sort of watch what I ate. Though late November, 11/28/2018, to be exact (what is with the 28th of the month and epiphanies lately?), I found myself pissed off about how I ate the night prior. Actually, I’d been building up to this point. My life is pretty good except for the stress and crap at my job and this stupid overeating. I will be 50 in February of 2020. I do not want to be struggling with the same crap for the next decades of my life. I want to be fit and healthy. Not necessarily thin but I want to conquer my tendency to choose crappy foods and stuff crap in my hole when I’m feeling anything but completely serene. I want to overcome this coping mechanisms so I whipped out my cell phone and reinstalled the app, My Plate, and started back in my food journal.
I’ll admit, food journaling tends to piss me off. I SHOULD know how to eat. I know what’s healthy (for the most part) and what’s not. But I also love to lie to myself and conveniently ‘forget’ I ate a big old candy bar after lunch because I had been slammed with meetings and people asking me a bunch of questions that they already know the answer to at work that day. I also know though that food journaling works for me. As much as it’s annoying, it forces me to be accountable to me. They say oh find someone to be accountable to, a friend or loved one. This may work for some people but I would totally eat more in rebellion. Maybe it’s the Irish in me. Screw you friend that cares, I’m going to eat this family sized candy bar just to show you! Show them what? I have no idea. But basically it comes back to our five-year old selves – ‘You’re not the boss of me!’. Except it’s self-destructive.
The hardest person for me to be accountable to is me. I’m going to kick my own ass all over the place more than any other person on the planet. I am my toughest audience, friend and well, sometimes, enemy. Plus, food journaling helps me get back into healthy eating. As much as I hate to admit it, when I eat more fruits and veggies and less crap, I feel amazing. I am being rewarded for taking care of my body, but my rebellious stubborn side still wants to punish myself for whatever dysfunction that still lives on inside me. Taking care of myself whether it’s food, exercise, sleep, rest or disconnecting, is the way I overcome this tendency to disregard my needs. Putting my needs first is sticking it to the man. Whatever the ‘man’ from my past really is. I’ve read 100’s of self-help books, journaled until my hand hurts, been in 100’s of therapy sessions and still old habits hold on.
Overcoming my emotional (etc) overeating is my goal for this next year and beyond. While they preach you just have to accept yourself as heavy if this is where you end up when you utilize intuitive eating, I don’t want to keep struggling the rest of my life with carrying basically the equivalent of a thin, petite woman on my frame. I’ve named her Agatha (no clue why) and imagine her as this old crabby lady trying to slow me down. I’m carrying her piggy back and she keeps kicking me in the fat rolls with her sensible SAS shoes, the chunky heels leaving bruises while berating me for this and that with a harsh, nasally voice. I really want to get Agatha the F off my back. And her weight off my body, my joints and free myself. Each time I choose healthy, each time I exercise (I bought a basic exercise bike for my living room cuz I know I will use it over a gym membership) and each time I chose to care for myself, more and more of Agatha starts disappearing. It’s as if she slowly turning to dust, particles being swept up into the breeze and leaving me just a little more lighter.
Granted, I have an active imagination but I find this to be great motivation. The food journal app, the scale and the measuring tape are all tools in this journey. They aren’t something I need to rebel again (though I still catch myself). Will I one day be able to truly intuitive eat? I don’t know. Maybe I will need to use a food journal the rest of my life. Except maybe I go down to 2-3 days a week to keep me honest or if I’m having a bad day where I know I will revert to bad habits, I can use it to keep Agatha from returning, kicking my sides like I’m her pudgy horse she’s got to ride to a bridge tournament except she’s late and she hates being late.
I haven’t eliminated any foods from my diet though I did switch up to dark chocolate from milk chocolate. I tend to binge on milk where the dark I don’t. These are the changes, I am making. Dark has more antioxidants so it’s good for me and I still get to really enjoy chocolate, just not in huge quantities which are not so good for my body. I’ve eliminated sugar from my hot and iced tea. I still use half and half in my hot tea but I haven’t increased the amount to make up for the sugar. Weird thing is, the cream tastes sweet to me now. My iced tea, I put in an herbal fruit flavor bag with my regular family sized decaf ice tea bags. Sometimes I cut up oranges or lemons or whatever to put in my iced tea so I enjoy it more. I really don’t want the sugar back into it.
Another change I made several months back is cutting caffeine out of my life. Going into menopause, your body suddenly gets super sensitive to everything (as if you weren’t being punished enough with mood swings and hot flashes). I gave all my caffeinated tea except for some oolong to my youngest daughter. I don’t recommend starting this during the work week though. The first day I went decaf, I was at work and all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t even drink that much caffeine to be honest. A few cups of tea a day. If I missed my morning tea, I would get irritable and would most likely garner a migraine. It had started to feel like a chain around my neck. I HAD to have caffeine.
You know what though? After a few weeks of limiting caffeine (I’m not a Nazi about it, if I get a little caffeine here and there it’s ok), but my migraines disappeared. Oolong tea had helped that previously but probably because it’s so caffeinated. The other thing I struggled with was if I skipped a meal or didn’t eat ‘enough’, I’d get a migraine. Now, I don’t drive my husband nuts when we are traveling or doing something that he has to keep me on a consistent eating schedule or I’d get a migraine. That was annoying for both of us. Whatever sensitivity I had regarding meal timing and migraines, went out the window which helps me eat only when hungry a key component in intuitive eating that I truly agree with.
Taking care of myself has been paying off with better overall health, I’m down roughly 18 lbs and 10.25 inches overall. I just feel better in general. Giving up caffeine has been an added bonus and each day, I try to find new or better ways to eat, sleep, exercise and take care of myself. Small changes can add up to huge results in the end. Not that I don’t still struggle with my emotional eating. But at least now, using the food journal app, I catch myself when I’m doing it where I would completely ignore this before. When I catch myself, I have to do the hard work of figuring out what is really the problem. THen when I determine the issue, I must determine how to address it. What can I do to help myself feel better? Soothe myself with something besides food. It’s frustrating after all these years I still haven’t conquered this but I’m back at it.
The bottom line – do what works for you. That’s what it all comes down to in the end. Experts, well-meaning friends, diet gurus, etc. all want to tell us how to ‘fix’ ourselves but it’s never just so simple as oh, I need to educate myself. We know an orange is better than a Snickers bar. We have to dig deeper than just eating 1800 calories a day. We have to figure out why we are using food to comfort ourselves, etc. We all have our own reasons. Women who were sexually assaulted have a high probability of being obese which is really the shit since we have been through enough already. But we wear our ‘fat suit’ as protection or it seems like protection. Whatever the reason, don’t get angry at yourself. Be kind to yourself as you would your best friend or child. Say, it’s okay you do this but let’s find a better way to cope so we don’t feel worse later. You deserve this kindness.
Love yourself, take care of yourself and know that right now, no matter what you weigh, you’re amazing and deserve love and respect. I love you all and I’m right there with you. xoxoxox