Hello 2017! 

Happy New Year!  I want to first thank everyone who reads my blog on and off.  I’m really grateful that you do!

January 1st is considered a day of new starts and new beginnings.  People make resolutions to save money, get into shape and find a partner.  It’s great to look into the universe and ask for what you want but you must really believe in it, visualize it.  At times of doubt, reform your positive thoughts, see yourself 20 pounds lighter, see yourself with more money or see yourself holding hands with your love walking in the park.  You can make all the resolutions you want but unless you really believe that it is possible, that it will happen, you will only sabotage yourself.

But enough about resolutions.  I quit making them several years back.  Every day is a new beginning and a new start.  Last night after a dinner out with my husband, we were talking about things like vacation, bucket lists, what we want to accomplish in the new year.  I reflected back ten years ago when my life was quite different.  It only changed when I made up my mind that I could no longer live in this 2nd marriage.  Today my life is much different.  In 2006, I was unhappy and miserable just holding it together.  Day by day, week by week fighting against the negative energy of someone who didn’t have mine or my daughters’ best interests at heart.  Fast forward to today and there is little I need or even want.  If I died tomorrow, there is very little on my bucket list.  I would only regret leaving the people I love.

The whole ‘bucket list’ thing I somewhat understand.  It’s great to motivate you to go out and experience life.  While there is some traveling I want to do and I want to write that best-selling novel, my focus is very small.  I used to have grand ideas and dreams but my mom’s terminal cancer and death put life into a whole different context.  Things I believed were so important whether they were material or intangible, are really not important to me now.  The meaning of life to me is to spend time with the people you love and find ways to show love to others.  It means stop taking crap you don’t have to take (though sometimes you have to do it to make a living), stop doing things you don’t want to do especially social obligations and start doing the things you enjoy the most even if it is not something everyone else finds exciting.

Rather than a bucket list, I want to focus on a gratitude list.  Recently, I started volunteering at a local nursing home and have found it very rewarding so far but also very sobering.  Imagine what it would be like to one day wake up and your life is limited to a small room (possibly shared) and a hallway leading to the dining room/ rec room.  Physically you are no longer able to walk or care for yourself.  All your possessions are now in the room with you and can be placed in a few large boxes.  That isn’t how it ends for everyone, but it is a reminder of what is truly important.  Our health, love and the people we love.

I have so much to be grateful for but it is easy to get into this cycle of feeling sorry for yourself or focusing on what you may have lost.  Grief has a way of pulling you down under murky waters and you can’t see the light.  I’m sure this is normal and it’s hard to live without someone you were very close to that was also a big part of your life.  Eventually you surface and start swimming for shore but the thick water of grief keeps pulling at you, making your progress slow and painful.  Some days the swimming is easier and other days you just want to slip back under the surface and never come back up.  I have no sage advice though time does help but it’s not magic either.  You have to be careful though to not forget your life and the ones who are still here.  My grief became somewhat selfish and self-centered.  I felt bad for myself, my mother is gone, and I kept living in that cloud.

The problem with living that way is you short change the people who need and love you.  You don’t mean to do it, you are lost in your own grief but at some point you have to get back onto shore and walk.  Even though it’s hard, and you would rather just keep swimming in the thick dark lake of grief and sorrow.  You need to look at all that is good in your life right this minute.  For me that is my husband, my daughters, my extended family and friends.   That I live is a beautiful comfortable home, drive a nice vehicle and have all the food and comforts I could ever want.  I can walk, cook and take care of myself.  I can literally walk a few feet, get into my truck and go wherever I’d like.

At least for now.  I am the most blessed woman on the planet even though I’ve lost my mom and other people I love.  Even though I had two shitty marriages and made a bunch of mistakes in my life.  But no matter what, I think being grateful for what you have at that moment is very powerful.  This brings happiness and joy to your life.  I went from nothing, an abusive home, sexual/verbal/emotional abuse, poverty etc. to still lead a good life.  Life may kick you hard but it is up to you where you end up.  You have the choice to be grateful and look ahead at improving your situation or you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself.  Be a victim.  I chose gratitude.  I chose to live the life I want.

This year after living most of my life in dysfunctional chaos, I am going to chose to live in peace.  Even if events are out of my control, I am going to chose a different path.  I’m going to focus on what I have to be grateful for and I’m going to ask for what I want in life.  I want to publish a book.  I want to be fit.

What do you want?  What are you grateful for?  

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One More Thing…

It figures, I decide I’m not going to write in my blog and then all these ideas for posts start popping into my head.  Good thing it’s my blog where I get to change my mind I suppose.  I imagine I should not have been so final on the blog but it felt done at the moment, that I needed a break, a hiatus but well, here I am again.  However, I do want to take my posts into a more positive direction. 

Wednesday night was teh honors ceremony for my graduating college class.  Being 46, of course I was one of the five oldest students receiving honors awards which at first made me a bit uncomfortable but when I saw I wasn’t the only older student there, I relaxed and focused on the ceremony.  When my oldest daughter graduated college in 2014, I remember sitting in the enormous hall watching all these young people get their degrees.  At the time, I felt a sense of envy that they had their whole lives ahead of them but mostly I think I felt disappointed in myself for not finishing college.  

As I was waiting for the ceremony to conclude as I was one of the first up to receive my award, I thought back to that day and how I felt.  Here was another group of young people with their whole lives ahead of them and me half-way through my life (if I am fortunate of course).  This time however, I did not feel envy or a sense of quiet sadness about my own life.  I didn’t sit and think of the dreams I thought I had lost out on or had given up too soon.  No, over the past few years, I have sorted out this and that over my life and have embraced what my life is today rather than worry about the past so much. 

What I did notice was that I didn’t envy these kids because I had worked hard for years to be where I am today.  Not that I didn’t make a few wrong turns (ahem two bad marriage choices) and make some mistakes but I kept going.  I turned my victim mentality into a mentality of action. I had to make my life what I wanted it to be or at least try.  Though someone who is 80 may look at me and see someone who is a bit foolish because they have lived almost twice my lifetime, I embrace the life wisdom I’ve learned over the years.  Though people always try to tell you things, sometimes we have to be stubborn and bull-headed where we have to just get knocked around on our own.  

Wouldn’t it be great if we had that wisdom in our early 20’s?  But maybe it would make us play things too safe.  I took risks in my 20’s that I’m hesitant to take today which in essence means my life story wouldn’t be so rich and colorful.  I’d been downright boring.  I suppose each decade or period in our life has a purpose.  I would not want to go back to being in my early 20’s except for being in better physical shape or not having quite the health concerns you have when your older, but this is probably the trade off for having wisdom.  Not that I don’t still do stupid things or make mistakes but usually they are much more minor than before.  

I like the age I am now.   I am comfortable being 46, I own my age and am not afraid to tell people how old I am nor do I lie about my age.  I would not want to go back and start over again at 20 or so.  I still have work to do on myself, but you know what? I actually like who I am.  Sure, I have days where I feel fat and ugly (I swear it’s hormonal) but mostly, I’m comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not going to apologize for who I am as a person anymore as I’ve spent enough of my life doing so.  If someone doesn’t like something about me, well then that’s their business.  Life is too short to worry about it.  

My husband and I were recently talking before he bought his new (to him) car last week.  We had been weighing the pros and cons of buying a new car, the financial aspect and so on.  His current car, a 2013 Malibu, already had over 90k miles on it and while it was nice, it wasn’t really what he wanted to be driving.  He had recently finished a year long grueling training program for his new job.  A good chunk of the last year had been spent away from home doing training seminar after training seminar because his job is highly regulated and very specific where it requires, well at least a year of training.  When he completed the training, he got a significant and well-deserved raise as his reward for completing this difficult year. 

As we mulled it over, we both decided he should go buy what he really wanted and had been wanting since we met eight years ago.  A Cadillac.  A one-year certified model would cost us almost the same as a new car like his Malibu anyway and though his gas mileage would drop some costing us more in gas, he would have all wheel drive which would be safer for his over 1 hour commute to work.  But most of all, it was something he really wanted and well you only live once right?  YOLO bitches…  While it felt like bit of an extravagance, it makes him happy and that’s all that matters. He’s worked hard for years, going to college, working jobs until he has reached this salary point in his life that affords him nice things.  

So no, I don’t want to start all over again.  We have a very comfortable life and we can do most of the things we enjoy.  While we aren’t wealthy, we are very fortunate.  For me, I always have to stop my “survival” mode of thinking after years of barely scraping by, in other words, I tend to be cheap.   I am also finding out that my goals and the things I enjoy have changed with time.  We both have agreed, we need to enjoy ourselves more.  

Who knows how many days we have left on this earth?  Might as well buy the Cadillac  if you can.