Slow Like a Turtle – 23/23 Weeks – Food Journal Check In

As with most weight loss journeys, you will reach a tough point or a plateau or both.  It’s just the nature of the beast.  You start out and the weight seems to come off easily at first.  Then you hit that point where it feels like you are not moving forward at all. This is the most crucial point.  My best advice – DON’T QUIT!  Keep on course, make some adjustments.  Double check your portion sizes, make sure you’re being fully honest about what you are recording in your food journal, take your measurements (which can show progress even if your weight is stagnant or has gone up a few pounds) and maybe make a few simple changes to spark further weight loss (or size reduction because weight isn’t all the best metric).

Look at what you are eating, maybe you need to eat more fruits and veggies, did you remember to count the sugar in your coffee, etc.  Are you exercising or have you slacked off?  There is also the paradox that I fall into which can be very frustrating if you just use weight as a metric  When the weather gets nice, I’m exercising more in the form of cycling and hiking which means I put on muscle weight which is why measurements are so important. Today’s results:

23 weeks – 23.0 lbs lost / 23 inches lost (8 measurements/ 9 inches from 3 core measurements.

Average 1.0 lb week or 1 inch a week (8 sites) or 0.39 inches per week (3 core measurements)

At 13 weeks – lost 17.2 lbs (1.32 lbs per week)/ 10.75 inches (8 sites) – 0.83″ per week/ 6.25 inches (3 core sites) – 0.48 inches per week

So if you look at the averages of loss in weight and measurements from 13 to 23 weeks, there are some differences but the surprising thing is though my weight loss slowed from 1.32 lbs per week to 1.0 lb per week, my average measurement reduction was higher in all 8 sites (1 inch per week at 23 weeks) as compared to 0.83″ per week at 13 weeks though my weight loss had slowed.  Okay, I’m a big numbers nerd.  But my point is, KEEP GOING!  Also, don’t let the number on the scale deter you.  Especially if you have started exercising more, picked a new or resumed a seasonal activity like cycling.  When I start cycling, my thigh measurements increase for awhile as does my weight.  This is simply a gain in muscle size and muscle weight for awhile.  

The problem with just using weight as your metric is you don’t get a full picture.  And don’t even get me started on BMI the most useless measurement there is especially if you are athletic at all.  Elite athletes who can have single digit body fat percentages will come up as “Obese” on the BMI chart.  BMI is a faulty metric. A pound of muscle is much more dense than a pound of fat.  See the photo below I found on the internet:


That’s why my measurements can shrink much faster than my weight when I start up my cycling season.  I naturally tend to put on muscle quickly.  I have measurements in my spreadsheet that go clear back to 2004 and in my current spreadsheet from November 2016 until now, I took my largest and smallest measurements recorded and put them on this particular sheet for reference.  Yes, I am seriously a nerd!  So here is an eye opener:

At my largest measurements I only weighed 7.4 pounds more than I do today (in Jan 2007) but the difference in my current measurements to those measurements is -25.75 inches (8 sites).  So what is different between 1/2007 and today?  I’m incredibly athletic and fit at 47 compared to how I was at 37.  I had just started riding bikes back then and could barely ride 4.5 miles on a bike path without feeling like I was going to die.  Now it takes me 50 miles on a bike path to duplicate that feeling of I am going to die (or never sit down again!).  I could barely hike my favorite trails which I coast along now as if it’s nothing putting in 4-5 miles as if it’s nothing when I could barely hike 1-2 miles (with multiple rest stops).

My diet at 37 was crap and more crap.  My diet now is moderate crap as treats.  Okay, I’m not giving up ice cream (did reduce the portion size significantly without any deprivation) but I did substitute my occasional craving for greasy potato chips with veggie chips where I can have 30 of them for 120 calories rather than a few regular chips for the same calories.  I loved whipped cream and at 20 calories a tablespoon, I can add it to my 3/4 cup serving of pudding in a generous dollop and enjoy it.  Or on ice cream.  Always on ice cream, that’s a law by the way in my house.  When the can of Reddi-whip is empty, I go into panic mode so I always keep a sparse can.  No, I am not joking.  I love it that much which gives my family plenty of fodder for jokes.

I have incorporated in yoga 3-4 times a week as well.  My life in general is much more healthy than at 37.  So on your journey to being more fit and healthy, look at the big picture.  Celebrate all the little improvements because they add up to big changes and results.  Plus just use weight as one piece of the puzzle not the only one.  Part of a healthier lifestyle is exercise and depending on what you do, it could make you weigh more because you’ve added muscle weight which helps boost your BMR (basal metabolic rate) or resting metabolism.  Plus exercise (in moderation – don’t go crazy) is great for your memory, building new capillaries (depending on exercise – cycling is a great one), reducing stress, getting you outside (really important – use sunscreen!) and improving your lunch and heart functions.  Our bodies were created to move and so many of us have jobs where we sit all day.  Or come home and watch tv or sit on our devices cruising social media.

I will be honest, this last 10 weeks since my previous post have been a struggle.  I had to adjust what I was eating, look at my food journal with an eagle eye to see where I was cheating myself (not recording a big enough portion etc.) and to remind myself that I was back into cycling up to 50 miles a week and my body composition was changing because I was getting back into riding (adding more muscle weight).  It sucks to see the scale go up 5-6 pounds when yu worked so hard to lose that 5-6 pounds.  It is easy to feel discouraged but step back and look at what is going on.  For me it was not being as honest as I could with my food journal entries.  I also cut out making big bowls of steel-cut oatmeal with a little cream, nuts and berries.  While healthy foods (okay not the cream but it was just a little), the calories I consumed didn’t abate my mid morning hunger so I was eating more calories.  I reverted back to my packets of oatmeal, precisely 160 calories per packet and saw the weight slowly start going back to what it was 13 weeks ago.

Though I dreaded writing this post because it felt like I was failing myself, once I really sat down with today’s measurements, weight and crunched the numbers, I still saw improvement.  The joy is in the journey not the final destiny.  So they say.  But it is true,  I was surprised to see my body measurements had decreased and then when I compared them to my former unhealthier lifestyle (I still can make improvements), I felt buoyed and the dread dissipated.  This still gave me a sense of an accomplishment that I kept plugging away even during the rough part.  That I analyzed my choices to get me back on track and while it can still be a PITA, I am still using the food journal app almost six months later.

Though it’s hard, trust me I know this because my husband’s weight loss has really overshadowed mine (60+ lbs), keep going.  It becomes more habit after awhile as you adopt this new lifestyle.  I don’t really deprive myself of anything.  Last night my daughter and I went to one of our favorite diners that has the best patty melt and hand cut fair fries (that I drown in malt vinegar), but we split a plate.  We used to order one full plate for each of us but we found that we were more than satisfied by splitting their huge single portion.  We stopped and got one scoop of ice cream.  Last year I would have ordered their version of a Snickers Blizzard which is like 650 calories at least because it’s huge.  I enjoyed that one scoop of peanut butter cup ice cream immensely and didn’t feel sick afterward.  It was more than enough.  Much of our battle is in our own minds.  Don’t deprive, use portion control, if you can find healthy swaps that satisfy you – use them.  If you can’t find a healthy swap, then just use moderation.  Deprivation only makes it worse and you will end up bingeing.

I’m so excited at my improvement that after writing this, I’m going to go buy myself something fun (non-food related)!  Keep the course until net time, friends!  Lots of love, I’m on the journey with you.  

I Will Never Do That Again (Skip Exercise for 4-5 Months)

For whatever reason, last November, I decided after reading an article that it wasn’t how much you worked out but what you ate that was more important.  Well, maybe it is but I don’t know why I got it in my head that I would give it a try over the winter months while I finished my college degree.  I was going to be busy with classes anyway, so what would it hurt?

UGH.  I’m 46-years old, not working out for months really affects your body.  First you start getting lethargic and then you start to grow weaker.  For me, depression runs in my family and exercise helps keep this at bay.  Which I knew and which I thought oh, a few months won’t hurt.  Another really dumb assumption.  School kept me busy but I just never felt good all winter.

Winter is a season I struggle with anyway because I am very much an outdoors person and well I hate the cold so I am stuck inside more.  I join gyms but then quit by mid-April when I can get outdoors again which means I have 6-7 months of the yearly fee that is wasted.  I wish they would let you do a winter gym membership for November – April where you could pay one fee up front.  Though I found I end up catching more colds and viruses when I go to the gym even though I clean every piece of equipment before and after use.  That and I’m not a fan of crowds or waiting on people who decided to camp out on say, the leg press, as if it is their personal throne.  There are only so many evil, impatient looks I can give in a day.

Probably unrelated was the fact my thyroid slowed down even more but I didn’t find out I needed a higher dosage of my medicine until spring.  So I put on 25-30 lbs.  Now I am heavier and weaker and more fatigued than I have been in a long time.  I got a new dosage of medicine and pulled out my bike on the first warm day.  I rode a little and felt like crying.  it was as if I was starting riding 10 years ago.  I wanted to kick myself.

Now I am 4 months later starting back to exercising pretty much an hour or more daily alternating between riding and walking or hiking. It has been a slow process and the longest I’ve ridden has been not quite 40 miles.  Last year by August I had ridden almost my 1000 miles for the year.  This year I’ve barely broken 600 miles.  I have no one to blame but myself (okay maybe my thyroid just a little).  Regaining my fitness has been a struggle and I have yet to lose the weight.  My clothes are looser but the scale won’t move but for me it could simply be muscle weight replacing fat.

Mostly though I am frustrated with starting over.  While winter is not my friend, I have to keep exercising almost every day to keep from losing my fitness.  The one thing I have to remember how much better I feel when I work out most days, how much less I eat because my appetite seems to diminish.  Instead of finding myself eating all the time for no particular reason, I’m finding that I wait until I’m hungry and some days I’m not hungry as often.  In a way, not doing what you body was designed to do, move, sabotages you and you end up gaining weight, feeling crappy and lethargic.  It is much like night and day how I feel when I am exercising vs. when I am not.

The moral of the story – Keep moving, every day.  This is more my reminder than your instruction though I would love to hear how exercise or lack of exercise affects you.  The one key I have learned, is you have to pick activities you enjoy.  Me, I have to be outside most times and I never stick with videos, classes or prescribed regimens.  I need it to be fun, like play when you are a kid.  I try to remember to keep active throughout the day which means cleaning my house, working in the yard, taking the dog for a walk or whatever I can dream up.

I’ve decided that I will invest in whatever equipment or clothing I need to keep active this winter.  I’m selling my rollers and going back to the rear wheel bike trainer (wonderful barely used set of e-motion cycling rollers for sale – contact me! :-).  As Denise Austin would say on her aerobics videos, if you rest, you rust.  As my great-grandmother would say, you are only as old as you feel, so she tried to stay as active as she could and lived to be 100.  Sitting on my arse is not taking care of myself, it’s destroying my health.

Note to self – keep moving, stay moving, stay strong.

Lawrence Woods State Nature Preserve – Kenton, Ohio

My daughter and I finally had a chance to explore a new nature preserve east of our home located at 13278 County Road 190, Kenton (Ridgeway), Ohio.  A gravel drive winds back to the parking lot where three kiosks stand with different information posted.  A little further past the first parking area there is a special parking for handicapped which offers convenient entry close to the 1.1 miles of boardwalk.  

Entrance sign


The area around the woods is a beautiful prairie that hosts all sorts of wild flowers and grasses.  You get a chance to view this terrain when you drive into the preserve.  The skies were overcast since storms were rolling in from a distance.  We could see flashes of lightening far off against the carbon steel tinted skies.  We checked the radar and determined that the storm was moving in the opposite direction before we proceeded.

Storm off in the distance from parking lot


The Trex boardwalk slips into the woods a short walk from the main parking lot (a mowed pathway traverses to the handicap parking area).  At first, there are boards with names of people who I am guessing people who donated money to this project.  The names are fun to read as you are walking.  The boardwalk is in excellent condition and well-maintained but with no side rails.  

The start of the boardwalk standing in handicapped parking


The preserve has 1035 acres in Hardin County with many mature trees and several endangered species of plants such as the Heart-leaf plantain.  There are many different types of oaks and it states on ODNR’s website that there is a great show of spring wild flowers.  Since the preserve is heavily wooded where the boardwalk trails through, I imagine a fall stroll would be gorgeous as well.  The setting is incredibly peaceful. 

My daughter standing next to a tree that looks like a rhinocerous


Along the board walk, which is like a lollipop, you walk the stick until you come to a junction where you can walk right or left which loops around and back to the junction.  You rewalk the “stick” back to the parking lot.  About midway through the loop is a spur that goes off into an open area.  We didn’t walk the spur because we had a moment of stupidity and forgot our bug spray so we were jogging parts of the trail to avoid the bugs.  There is also poison ivy that grows close to the edges of the boardwalk so be cautious of the sides.    

Namesake of the preserve at the loop junction


We passed one woman who was using the loop as a track for running.  The Trex boards prove to have enough traction and a bit of give for a more cushioned run.  I used my workout app to track how far we walked.  From the parking lot, through the loop and back, it stated 1.53 miles though I won’t swear that is exactly accurate.  There are numbered signs with “1, 2, 3” along the path I believe which are marking tenths of a mile.  At first I thought maybe there was an interpretive brochure that went with the numbers but they were evenly spaced at tenths.  

Number sign


This is a beautiful area that we plan on visiting again (and using bug spray).  As has been our experience so far, there are no pets and no facilities.  Pack water if it’s hot or you plan on walking the loop more than once.   There are many sections where there are small benches to sit and enjoy the woods.  It was very quiet while we were there and we were only accompanied by the usual sounds of the forest.  Leaves flittering in the breeze and bird song.  We didn’t see any wildlife but a storm was approaching.  

Boardwalk winding between 3 mature trees


In conclusion, this offers a nice stroll or maybe even a run.  The boardwalk is in excellent condition as of August 2016.  Like most preserves it is not heavily used at least during the week.  This is one of the better maintained preserves so far and a beautiful area.

Lawrence Woods State Nature Preserve

Davey Woods – Ohio State Nature Preserve

Davey Woods SNP is located in Champaign county at 7661 Lonesome Road, St. Paris, Ohio east of Piqua, Ohio.  I love the name of the road.  It is a very quiet and fitting for it’s moniker, Lonesome.  This is a 130 acre wooded tract with almost 2.0 miles of trail that winds up through gentle hills of old-growth woods.  The Conrad Trail is 1.4 miles and the Short Loop trail is 0.6 miles.  There is a gravel parking area right next to the road with the sign proclaiming that this is indeed Davey Woods. There are no facilities and no pets allowed.  Bring plenty of water.  

To the left of the signs, you walk down a wide path in the woods that was once a road bed now grass.  In mid-July everything is a beautiful lush green as we have not had any dry spells yet.  You come to a kiosk which has the trail map on it and you can elect to go left or right.  We chose left because we saw a dark wood bridge.  The bridge always wins.  There is also a small donation box with the kiosk if you so choose to help fund these great preserves.  The bridge crossed a small creek and headed up into the woods.  

The trail is well traversed, very shady and I am sure offers wonderful wild flowers and beautiful fall foliage in other seasons.  There are several small bridge crossings as the trail winds up through the trees and hills.  Quite simply, we walked on an extremely hot day but did not feel the heat within the woods.  Of course you want bug spray and sunscreen even though it is shady.  The trails give you a bit of challenge going up and down but mostly they are moderate and easy to traverse.   Short Loop breaks off of Conrad Trail so we only did just Contrad Trail this trip.  We want to return soon to do both trails we enjoyed this nature preserve so much.   It reminds us a bit of the Lake Hope area, with very large trees such as oaks and tulip trees.  

There was no one on the trails with us that day and only one spot of Conrad trail had a little bit of road noise.  Otherwise, you are ensconced in the sweet peacefulness of wooded bliss.  Toward the last part of the loop back to the kiosk area, we climbed a hill and came across a little surprise.  Three old gravestones which had been set flat into concrete to protect them in the place in what the sign stated was the Pence Family Cemetery.  David Pence and his wife, Barbara, moved to this spot from Shenandoah County, Viriginia in the early 1800’s.  We had to pause and pay our respects as well as read the gravestones which were worn by time and the elements.  

At this point the trail started to descend and brought us out on the other side of the kiosk.  We could have extended our hike by taking the Short Loop.  Quite a pleasant trek.  We will certainly do this one again as it has beautiful and quiet woods as well as enough trail length and challenge to break a good sweat.  This one is good for anyone in relatively decent shape as there is ups and downs over the hills but I would not call it much more than a mild hike for the average person.  You do feel though as if you were transported into an era before even the Pence’s settled the land.   One of my favorite preserves so far!

Siegenthaler – Kaestner Esker – Ohio State Nature Preserve

Siegenthaler – Kaestner Esker SNP is located near West Liberty, Ohio, at 5505 Couchman Road and consists of 37-acres which contains an esker, kame and kettle which are glacial landforms which I had never heard of or learned in school and completely forgot.  

Parking area


Some definitions as per the ODNR site:

Esker – long, winding ridge of stratified sand and gravel deposited in layers according to grain size by running water with steep sides and a sinuous shape.  Or to me, a long narrow hill.  

Kame – Knolls formed by piles of gravel that were dropped into pits and crevices in the glacier when meltwater streams flowing on top of the ice.  Or as I would call them, small hills.  Often associated with kettles.

Kettle – A pond formed when a block of ice remained and surrounded by till.  When the ice melted, a depression was left and filled with ground water.  Or to me, simply a pond.

Black sandy, silty soil at base of esker


In other words, geology buffs will love this glacial area or simply nature lovers who like a gentle stroll in a quiet area.  We literally drove right by this preserve and had to turn around and go back.   The parking area is a grassy area which you can easily miss for a field.  You park in the grassy area, driving through a narrow former gate area between two fence posts, where there is a sign and kiosk for the preserve.  Like most preserves, there are no facilities.  Remember to bring water, bug spray, sunscreen and pack out any trash.  Don’t remove any natural materials.  Pretty much the same instructions for most nature preserves.  Oh and no pets.  

The trail is like a lollipop and approximately 1 mile long depending on if you decide to also traverse the summit of eskers as well.  The initial part of the trail is much like walking along a narrow, grassy country road with fence on both sides.  One side during our hike was a crop field (soybeans) and the other side appeared to be a livestock field, probably cattle.  There are mature trees on one side and then you slip into a more wooded area, make a sharp right turn and down a hill to where the trail tees at the first esker.  You can go either left or right, the trail will loop around to itself.  The day we visited, the trail had been recently mowed but be cautious of the poison ivy if you go during the late spring to fall months.  I am beginning to think the state plant should be poison ivy.  

Start of trail from parking area


We turned right initially, choosing to walk in the more open sunny area first followed by what seemed would be more shady.  The day was hot but not unbearable as there was a nice breeze most of the time.  One we rounded the first bend in the loop, we took the trail that went up to the summit of the first esker or hill to me.  You can see larger rocks where they have mowed a trail among the grass meaning that the heavy rock was deposited on top.  Again, be cautious of the poison ivy.  The hills are narrow and long and there are two of them with old trees, such as oaks growing there as well as many wild raspberry bushes.  When we went down the first esker, and came around to the trail going up the second one, we decided it looked too overgrown with poison ivy to chance walking the top so we chose the lower trail that went between the base of the hill and the fence.  

Mowed trail taverses top of esker


As we walked, we noticed the dirt that was exposed was black and sandy different from the brown dirt we saw on the other portion of the trail.  Curious, we bent down to touch it and it was soft and silty which means the finer till was deposited on the bottom of the esker.  Admist the thick growth we saw wild delphinium, a white phlox  and a red bell type flower growing on a vine.  When we rounded the far side of the furthest esker, the trail became more overgrown with thistles and a grass (and poison ivy) so we had to be careful to step around the plants otherwise the thistles would have scratched us.  You return to the start of the loop and turn back right to return to the parking area.  

Vining flower, unidentified


Due to the overgrowth of poison ivy, this may be better an early spring, late fall or winter hike or if you are brave like us, you just go and dance around the poison ivy.  This is a pretty area, open and peaceful.  If you have an interest in glaciers and/or geology, this is also a good place to visit.  It could be an easy stroll with kids though again, poison ivy might be a concern, maybe older children.  The trail is about half shad and half sun so if it’s extremely hot, you may want an earlier morning hike or later evening.  Open dawn to dusk.  

Ohio’s Nature Preserves – Little Hidden Gems

So I’ve been lacking ideas for posts.  I go back and forth and around on what to write.  Today my youngest daughter and I decided to go do some hiking even though it was going to be in the 90’s, we figured if we could find wooded trails, it wouldn’t be too unbearable.   There is a small preserve not far from my home, that is set into a woods with a half mile boardwalk.  At the trail head, there is an announcement board/kiosk with information regarding the preserve plus a brochure on Ohio Department of Natural Resource’s  (ODNR) other preserves.  My daughter picked on of those up on our way back out to my truck.

We were sitting in the air conditioning trying to decide what to do next.  On the last page of the brochure is a map of Ohio with all the current preserves pinned on it with each preserve’s name.  We realized we hadn’t been to most of these places on the map and the idea for a new blog direction and many possible adventures cropped up in our mind.  We would visit them, take pictures and write a review of each preserve.  To us, they feel like little hidden gems that usually are empty of other people, though some preserves such as Conkles Hollow in Hocking Hills are much more well known.  We, being the lovers of solitude in nature, gravitate toward lesser known and used areas and are excited to explore these areas.

Ohio’s nature preserves in general do not allow pets, they do not usually have any facilities such as bathrooms or water and you must pack out your trash usually.  Some may not even have clearly designated parking areas (you may just pull off the side of the road).  Trails may be somewhat more rugged and less maintained.  You are not allowed to pick or remove any natural items such as flowers or rocks.  However, you will find a varied landscape in each preserve along with endangered species of plants, insects and birds.  This land is set aside to “preserve” what is left of unsettled or reclaim formerly settled lands to their natural state.  

According to ODNR there are 136 nature preserves with ore than 30,000 acres in the great state of Ohio.  Partners such as businesses and groups as well as volunteers assist the state in keeping these lands available for our enjoyment and use.  Most of the time, you probably just drive by a nature preserve without even realizing it.  They are usually only marked with a dark brown sign with white lettering and a kiosk/ message board.  There is no big sign announcing their presence such as Ohio’s state park system so you have to look just a little bit harder for a preserve.  Sometimes, you pull into the parking lot and are hesitant to explore because the area isn’t developed like state parks or metro parks may be.   The goal is to preserve the land and leave it as untouched as possible by humans while letting people enjoy the land as well.  

As we (or me) explore each nature preserve, I will update this post to include the preserve’s name as well as a link to the review post for that particular park.  I hope you enjoy this adventure with me as I have already started and have found as my daughter state, some hidden gems, we had no clue existed.  Just remember to pack plenty of water and prepare for minimal or no facilities.  Happy trails!  

Gross Memorial Woods

Sigenthaler-Kaestner Esker Nature Preseve

Sick of Starting Over (Fitness)…

We all have something that we struggle with throughout our life.  For awhile we may overcome it but maybe it creeps back into our day-to-day life.  For me, since I was around 11, it’s been weight and dieting.  I spent my childhood not worrying about weight or looks but out playing, exploring and riding my bike.  The only time I was ever on a scale was at the doctor’s office and that number was simply something the nurse noted down or told my mom and that was that.  Weight wasn’t a focus in my life.

Then I spent one summer with my weight-obsessed maternal grandmother who was always on a diet of some sort.  She worshipped the scale as if it had some magic power to make her into the person she always wanted to be.  At the time, I lived in Missouri near my paternal grandparents and that grandmother was too busy doing chores, feeding livestock and milking cows to even care about weight.  She was a bit on the heavy side but I never once heard her talk about a diet or not having a cookie or being upset she couldn’t fit into a pair of slacks.  But in 1981, my parents shipped my sister and I from mid-Missouri to eastern Ohio to spend the summer with my mom’s parents.

My maternal grandparents lived in a small two-bedroom, one bath ranch house built in the 1940’s which was crammed full of antiques and furniture they collected.  In the small hall that connected the bath and two small bedrooms was a dry sink and one day my grandmother led me into the hallway and pulled out a digital scale which was very new-fangled back in 1981.  I was simply fascinated with the red LED numbers that would show up.  She would step on the scale but I was not allowed to look at the number.  I really didn’t know why but she was my grandmother so I obeyed her wishes.  Then I stood on the scale and looked down at the number that didn’t mean a thing to me.  I couldn’t even tell you what it was any more if it even stuck in my mind then.

After that, every day the weighing ritual began.  I didn’t really pay much attention to it, just did as she asked.  The scale just seemed like a toy to me.  Things changed though after a few weeks.  My grandmother had been feeding my sister and I like we were starving kids in China.  I always only ate until I was just full, well except around holidays when the tables were full of so many delectable foods, I would stuff myself until I was sick.  Then my cousins and I would go run around the yard whether it be in shorts or snow suits.  Since it didn’t feel good to stuff myself like that, I only did it around holidays.

Except now, my grandmother was getting upset if I didn’t eat more.  So to please her I was eating beyond my comfort zone.  It was like a holiday at almost every meal.  Then the number on the scale started creeping up.  My clothes started to get tighter and tighter.  Soon they had to take me and buy me new clothes, except now I had to shop in the women’s department rather than the girls department.  I remember feeling sad I had outgrown my regular size which was toward the high-end of kids’ sizes anyway but I wasn’t quite ready to jump into grown up clothes.

When the daily weigh-in came now, I started to dread it and sometimes tried to get out of it.  My grandmother would look at the number and cluck sadly that I was gaining weight.  I felt like I had let her down or I was doing something wrong.  She would then send me out to run laps around the house or ride her old Schwinn bike up and down the street while she watched that no one abducted me.  Like some forced exercise program.   Then she started talking about diets not only in relationship to her since she was always on some diet, but in regards to me. In the midst of this summer, my parents sprang on me that we were moving from Missouri to the other side of Ohio.   I remember crying with body-wracking sobs on the phone to my mom that I didn’t want to move, to leave my other grandparents and the few friends I had to go to some strange town on the other side of Ohio.  I sank into more despair and turned to food for comfort.  Why not?  My grandmother was already feeding me like I was a line backer for the nearby Pittsburgh Steelers.  I already had a much larger wardrobe of adult sized clothes.

Looking back now, of course, I see I was gaining weight because she was literally force feeding me more than I wanted to eat.  It was this entire shaming cycle that to this day, I know my grandmother loved me very much and was a good person, but I do not understand why she did it other than misery loves company.  From that summer on, weight became an issue for me and I was never quite the carefree kid I had been before that summer.  I was creeping closer to middle school age and all the peer pressure, plus I was starting a new school where no one really accepted me.

I have dealt with eating disorders in my 20’s.  I had given up in my mid-30’s while suffering from a bad marriage and depression until I was almost 300 lbs.  At 38, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and trust me, the weight doesn’t magically come off when you start treatment.  At least not for me and most of the people I know who also have this issue. I’ve grown to accept my larger-sized body, stop beating myself up for it.  I’ve donated several scales and quit weighing myself altogether.  It took me awhile but I finally quit beating myself up, started loving myself and appreciating what my body could do even if I wasn’t thin or petite.  I was at least curvy and strong.  I could ride my bike 50 miles in a day or hike as much as I wanted.  I wasn’t running marathons, but I was athletic.

Then late fall, I read an article that documented a study that said exercise was not important that it was the calories that you ate.  I don’t even remember where I saw it, probably something linked to a Facebook post.  However, as I was starting my last semester of college with a full-time class load as well as working, this gave me permission to not worry about working out.  We had moved to the country and I wasn’t joining a gym again so I literally took from November-last week off of exercise.  I spent more time on my backside, lying on the couch and just immobile than I had in years.  At first my clothes fit fine.  Then after my birthday in February I noticed that my jeans were getting tighter.  Then I had a few yearly check up appointments where the scale came into play.  I was shocked at the number.  I had gained a good thirty pounds and since my jeans had been a little big to start with, I had room to grow.

When you spend so much of your time not active, it’s very hard to get back into that flow again.  The first few road cycling rides I took were a very stark testament to how out of shape I had become.  Though 30 pounds may not sound like much, on a bike it makes an enormous difference.  Not only are you having to move that much more weight on two wheels, you also have more pressure on your butt and hands which makes cycling even more uncomfortable.  Last year at this time, I actually weighed less than I had in years because of a medical condition that finally resolved itself in last July.  Riding last spring felt like I had wings, I was fast and could ride much further without as much training.  This spring, I feel like a sloth who can barely turn the crank.  That is why serious cyclists are obsessed with weight not only on their bodies but their bikes.  The more weight, the slower you are (unless you are going downhill) and the less miles you ride.  It is just simple physics.

The first few rides this year, I wanted to give up.  We have moved out to an area that is much more hillier than my previous routes when I rode from my house in town.  The kicker is that my house sits on one of the highest elevations in our county and no matter which way I ride from my driveway, east or west, I have to ride back up a big hill.  Hills are not the friend of the heavy cyclist.  I’ve had to drop out of my normal gear range I rode last year, into the lowest gears I have just to spin up this hill at a paltry 7-9 mph.  That feels like defeat to me though I tell myself, just ride it, you’re training, you’ll get back into shape.  But part of me wants to get off the bike, throw it in the ditch and stomp back home in a fit.  I have yet to do that as my bike cost quite a bit of money and my husband would never let me buy another one.  And that would be me acting like a baby, but I have a moment or two or three where I want to quit.

I wasn’t going to set a mileage goal this year and I’ve changed my mind.  I need the motivation to get out there and ride.  Minimum of 45 with the desired goal of 60 miles a week for me to reach the top range of my 2016 mileage goal since I haven’t ridden but 138 miles this year so far and it’s already late May.  Being mid-life, this is not the time to give up your exercise program.  If nothing else I need it more than ever.  I have a lazy thyroid and I’m moving into the menopausal years or perimenopause where the hot flashes are starting, my estrogen level is very low.  Now it is even more important that I take good care of myself because my body is slowing down.

This winter I noticed my desire and motivation to get out and do things had waned greatly and that I had little energy.  This spring I realized, I have to quit reading these stupid studies and trust what I know about myself.  Exercise makes me feel stronger, better and gives me a ton more energy.  It also boosts my self-esteem and self-image.  Plus my clothes look better on me.  At my recent college graduation, all my dresses went back in the closet after I realized that my weight gain made me look like lumpasaurus in them.  I want to buy some new spring or summer clothes to wear to work, but I am going to wait a month or so.  Otherwise I will be in the fitting room crying.  Know thyself.

So now that school is done, and most of my life goals except for publishing a novel have been met, I think now is a good time to focus on overcoming this lifelong struggle of mine with food, though I don’t overeat like I once did and getting into the kind of shape I want to be.  This isn’t about losing weight but about being able to do all the things I love without the fight and struggle of fighting my own body mass.  Following Geneen Roth’s advice of eat only when you are hungry, eat exactly what you want and stop before you are too full.  Essentially going back to how I ate before my summer at my grandmothers except I get to pick and cook the meals.

The second part is to keep activity and exercise forefront in my day. Push myself to new athletic heights.  The good thing is that I love to bike, hike and do yoga or even swim when I can.  I don’t dread exercise as many people do.  Just being active in general as well whether it be get off the couch and go pull some weeds or take a walk down my country road.  Expand my yoga practice to asanas that I haven’t yet tackled that look too hard.  You get the idea.

This week I have paid attention, consciously became more active and I feel so much better already.  I have more energy, I feel less like a fat sloth, it is amazing what exercise can do for you.  I will not diet, this always backfires as I rebel and end up gaining weight.  It is all about changing my lifestyle and staying active.  I have no weight or clothing size goal.  Just a mileage goal for my cycling this year.  To exercise most days of the week.  To not read some stupid article and give up on all my hard work.  Because when you are in your mid-40’s, you slide back pretty fast and it’s even harder to regain your former fitness level.  Slow and steady wins the race.  Well I don’t want to be slow but you know what I mean.

My goal is simply to make my weight and fitness (or lack of) a non-issue in my life after 35 years.  To be the best I can be without diets or craziness.  I am tired of struggling and I do not want to come back to the point again unless there is something out of my control.  It is time to resolve this once and for all so I can enjoy my life to the fullest.