Last Day of the Longest Year – 2020

Social media has been awash with posts and memes about how they can’t wait until 2020 is over as if the year itself caused this pandemic. As if by hanging up a new calendar is the magic ticket out of this pandemic. From what I can tell, this pandemic was caused by human(s) and not the year. But I get looking ahead to a brighter, better time because there is no doubt that 2020 has been an incredibly tough year including a polarizing US election.

This year has brought out the best and worst in people. I believe there has been much more good than bad overall but the millions of good acts by people are pretty much ignored as they don’t generate sensationalism or ratings. The election literally divided the country in half. I saw a truck cap with a Trump 2020 sign stuck on the back window. Underneath that sign was another sign stuck to the glass that summed it all up for me. “IN YOUR FACE”. Seriously? In your face? Are we now twelve-old boys? The truck was driven by a white-haired, white man in his mid-60’s or maybe older. I don’t think this year brought out the best in some people.

When Ohio went into shut-down in March, it was DEFCON 5 at my house because my husband was in a panic. This skyrocketed my stress and put fear in me that really didn’t need to be there. Yes, I needed to be cautious but to be so afraid of it, no. As the shut-down progressed, I slowly figured out how to live within the parameters of social distancing, mask-wearing and avoiding people. I’m a natural born introvert so I’ve been training for this my entire life. However, not being able to have my adult kids come to my home or have family dinners or even holidays like before was tough. I did, however, embrace working at home even though that was an adjustment. I do like when I must go to a doctor’s appointment, I’m no longer sitting elbow to elbow with sick people in a waiting room. I think we should take a lesson from this pandemic and schedule appointments so this doesn’t happen. Think of all the sickness that is spread just in a doctor’s waiting room.

My year was spent visiting Starbucks (drive-thru or mobile pick up) and hiking for miles and miles. I’ve done more picnics (in a park or my car) this year than my entire life. The odd side effect? My depression disappeared after suffering with it for so many years even mildly. I truly believe it was all the outdoor time. My favorite parks became overcrowded with people escaping the pandemic so I was forced to find new, lesser known parks which was a fun adventure. I wasn’t able to cycle much this year because the bike paths were just overrun, even on a Monday when everyone was to be working. But I read a lot more and bought more books to support an indie bookstore closest to me.

I miss traveling. Every day is like Groundhog’s day in some ways. There was no real break from cooking, cleaning and sleeping in the same bed. We did go away for my 50th birthday in February for a long weekend but since then, nothing of course. I’m anxious for the vaccine so I can start traveling again even if it’s a rented cabin in the middle of nowhere because the nation is not well vaccinated. Even a weekend away gives me enough of a break to reset myself. In the meantime, I plan little day trips to places I haven’t been for awhile or at all. Little adventures to keep myself sane. People still traveled, then refused to quarantine, lending to more and more cases of Covid that could have been avoided. I don’t want to think of how many people died this year due to other’s selfishness and refusal to follow the guidelines.

Selfishness and stupidity reined supreme this year. All the anti-maskers who didn’t think of who could die from their actions. Unfortunately for many of them that I know, someone in their family or themselves contracted Covid sometimes with their loved ones dying. Suddenly they went from preaching about their rights and how masks were stupid earlier in the year, to preaching about social distancing and mask wearing. Why did someone they love have to die before they understand the seriousness of a potentially deadly virus? I know that another wave of cases and deaths will occur in January because I see so many large family gatherings on social media with huge group photos and not a soul is wearing a mask. I see where parties are going to happen tonight. Then the news will be littered with reports about how hospitals are using the gift shop and chapel to hold hospital beds. It’s so crazy to me.

Pandemic aside, I’m looking forward to 2021 with the hope that I will be vaccinated and at least protected from the people who don’t care if they kill someone else by spreading the virus. That has been the scariest part of this pandemic, the people who believe their ‘rights’ are more important than another person’s life. Just running into a store, mask on and social distancing followed by bathing in sanitizer stresses me out more than final exams at college. It feels a bit like Mad Max to me as that old lady who has her mask pulled down to her chin could be spreading the virus as she refuses to give me room to pass in the aisle. For the most part, I order online or do curb-side pickup but sometimes I didn’t have a choice. Come on, vaccine.

Negatives aside, I’ve seen so many acts of kindness this year. You have to dig deeper to find them but they are there. Communities that banded together and ordered carryout after carryout to save local businesses. People wrote letters and sent gifts to people they didn’t even know who were isolated in nursing homes. The enormous sacrifices first responders, doctors and all health care workers made to care for this sick. Some paid with their lives much like in war. I can’t even imagine what it is like for them. To the people who didn’t have much but still gave to charities such as food banks and to buy toys for families struggling from job loss during this pandemic. These are all my heroes.

I heard a podcast a few weeks ago by Gregg Clunis, Tiny Leaps, Big Changes, where he suggested not setting resolutions or specific goals for 2021 due to so many unknowns the pandemic could still throw at us. Instead, he suggested going with a theme. The theme could center around work, fitness, finances, etc. Rather than setting hard fast goals, the theme allows you flexibility in working toward what you want to accomplish. Personally, I like this idea because I never do well with hard-set goals. If something runs amiss, I want to chuck the whole goal. So my theme for the year is “Makeover (Self-Care)/Finding My Joy”.

Makeover isn’t like going to the Clinique counter or having a totally new hairstyle/color and updated wardrobe. Though I could use some new clothes. It’s hard for me to shop online for clothes so I’ve been pretty much wearing what I have. It’s more about making over my self-care which I find myself to be lacking still. Finding My Joy is pretty self-explanatory. I tend to put off things I love for things I feel I need or should be doing. Sure I need to work and clean the house, but I have a lot of “shoulds” that have been put into my head that really aren’t necessary and could easily be replaced by doing something I love or that brings me joy. Essentially, it’s being more mindful about my daily life and where I am going in the future.

I tend to read a lot and sometimes I end up striving for things that I, myself, don’t really want. Example, I was reading some books, articles and listening to podcasts on financial independence. Then I got it into my mind, I need a ton of money to jet around the world except when I stopped to think about it, as glamorous as that sounds, it’s not me. I don’t necessarily want to make so much in investments that I never work a day in my life. That is also not me. What would I do all day if I didn’t work? Having the money there to not have to work would be great, but quitting my job and not working? I’d be bored. I like being productive and contributing to society. This is part of Finding My Joy. Really figuring out what I want rather than following what others say I should want.

So, my 2021 path is simple. Get the vaccine as soon as I can. Focus on my self-care makeover and finding my joy. Be kind to others, help others when I can. Not get Covid before I get fully vaccinated. Not give anyone Covid. Spend as much time, safely, with the people I love. Have some adventures. Be kind to myself.

So here’s to a new year with the hope that on December 31, 2021, that it is a better world. Cheers!

Pandemic Tip: Be Kind to Yourself (and Others)

There seems to be a general attitude out there that as long as you keep your ass at home, you have nothing to worry about. Our grandparents and parents had to deal with wars and so on, all you have to do is sit your ass on the couch. I disagree, I don’t think it is just that easy. Maybe to keep the virus from spreading, yes, by all means we should stay at home as much as we can and follow the rules, even if you don’t necessarily agree, don’t be a dick and infect someone else. But to act as if this is easy and easier than what our parents/grandparents went through, like it’s no big deal is not right either. Not it’s not the same but it’s not so easy either.


War was in another country, not in our back yard or front yard or town. This war is on our own soil and while it is definitely different from when sons and daughters went overseas to fight and possibly be killed, this is still war. We can be caught in the cross-fire unknowingly by just trying to go pick up essential things like groceries. Sons and daughters are on the front lines but so are parents and grandparents. Instead of just soldiers, we have LPNs, nurses, doctors, EMTs, law enforcement, grocery workers, restaurant workers, gas station attendants, nursing home workers and so on.

Everyone is directly exposed to the enemy just by living your life and trying to survive.
This is also an invisible enemy, it’s not someone holding a gun, a grenade or dropping bombs that you might have the chance to see and avoid. This virus is completely unseen by the naked eye and can be carried on a gentle spring wind right into your body. You have zero chance of seeing it before it attacks you. You might be afraid to even leave your house, terrified when you have groceries delivered or picked up because of this invisible enemy. You may have been on the front lines the whole time, dealing with this enemy and watching it claim its victims, terrified you or your family are next.

In war, you have a weapon to fight back, in this pandemic, the only thing you can do is hide if you have that luxury but a good percentage of us have to still work. I’ve been fortunate to work at home but my husband, who works for a power utility, has been working 7 days, 12 hour shifts which is incredibly hard on the body. I can’t even imagine what doctors and nurses and EMTs are working or how are they handling it. They are so amazing, I bow to them, they are my heroes. If you get this virus, you may or may not survive. Thousands of people have already been killed on American soil by the enemy. And you have that a-hole out there telling you on social media that you should be able to accomplish all these great goals. Fuck you pompous social media asshole.

I’m just trying to get through the day, sequestered mostly at home and worrying about my family and friends as well as humanity at general. I’m worried that the partial lay-off I am now starting (20% of my hours have been cut) will turn into a complete lay off and after 22 years with an employer where many of my coworkers are like family, my career will end. I’m worried for my daughters (one who is out of a job) that the economy will be able to stay strong enough that they can continue paying their house payments, etc. I worry for everyone laid off by the shut-down and didn’t make that much money to start with. How are they living? What can I do to help?


Saying all you have to do is sit home on the couch hugely diminishes what people are going through right now. I don’t believe this is a fair statement and people are feeling as if their fears, sleepless nights, lethargy, depression, anxiety, and so on are unfounded. This is NOT unfounded, this is real, people are dying of an enemy that is silent, invisible and of which we have so little information to fight back. You can’t pick up a gun and shoot it. You can’t even see the f’ing enemy. There is no flash of gunfire to let you know that you have been ambushed. There is nothing. And that is terrifying.


I have one park that has a small enough parking lot, wide trails and enough area that I feel safe hiking. It’s not that I’m afraid that I may be attacked, murdered or raped. I am afraid I might get too close to someone infected, that they might breathe the virus in the air and I’ll walk right through it. Not very many people go to this park (thank god) but when I do have to pass someone on the wide paths, I literally walk ten feet off the trail and crouch down with my back to them to act like I am taking a photo of a flower or something with my phone. I will wave at them all friendly like but inwardly, I ‘m terrified they are carrying the enemy. They are probably perfectly nice people who would never intentionally hurt a soul but yet they are potential carriers of this virus. I feel bad for being this way but I am doing everything in my power to still live my life but also stay safe. I’m also protecting them, just in case I’d be carrying this and be asymptomatic.


One of the few ‘normal’ things I allow myself is to go through the drive through for Starbucks or Dairy Queen, but as soon as I pull away from the window out of sight, I’m wiping everything down and using hand sanitizer. I even wipe the lid where I sip my drink and the spoon that comes in my mini-Blizzard. I had been ordering books from this small bookstore and getting curbside pickup to help them stay in business, but as soon as he socially distance appropriately hands me the book, I throw it on the car floor and sanitize everything. Now, I have to give up my weekly book purchase because my hours have been cut. It was the one joy I had each week. I never normally buy books unless it’s something I will reread or use for reference but now I had been buying books I just wanted to read rather than getting them through the online library. That in itself felt like a decadent extravagance and it also gave me a feeling of helping out, hopefully keeping that bookstore afloat. I might be able to do one book every other week, but I’m starting to become afraid to spend money, I feel like I should save every penny in the case of a layoff.


Picking up groceries, we don’t even get out of the car and we refuse to sign anything or take the receipt. When we get home, we have a table, gloves, sanitizer and bleach spray in the garage in where we do our sanitization of what just was brought into our home. Non-perishable items that we don’t need immediately stay in the garage for at least a week. Other items are washed down as we can with bleach solution. My husband does the sanitizing and I do the carrying in. There is no more just taking it from the trunk of the car into the counter. We don’t even keep the bags the food comes in because we are afraid of contamination. We don’t even recycle them anymore. Touch once with gloves and discard. Not exactly environmentally friendly but safer from the virus.


With the shortages and hoarding, we can’t do just one weekly trip to one store with maybe a stop off at another store to pick up some produce. Nope, we have to do multiple pick ups in multiple towns to get everything we need. Grocery shopping has become almost a full time job and we are only a two-person household. And we allow substitutions on most every item except for a few. It’s not a time to be picky.


I worry about going back into the office, it’s a cube farm with enclosed space and an HVAC system that is cobbled together. The air flow is bad, the area is tight and I have to go through 4 doors to even get to my desk. Doors that are touched by so many people. I miss my friends at work but I’d just be afraid to be near them and vice versa. Working at home every day gets old. I feel like I never get away from the house, I start losing track of days. I’m very, very fortunate and grateful that I can and I’m protected but it’s not easy. I’m not on the front lines, but yet I still should be gentle with myself and acknowledge that I’m struggling a little.


But if I’m not writing the great American novel, doing fabulous home projects, starting a side business, or doing something else equally impressive during this time sequestered at home, then that’s okay. It’s okay that I don’t know what day it is and have to look at my phone or calendar to confirm the date. It’s okay that I don’t feel like cleaning the house or being creative or working on hobbies or anything. It’s okay if I just want to lie in bed and stare out the window. There’s a war out there. It’s okay if I am worried and scared. It’s okay if all I want to do is lie on the couch and watch movies. It’s okay if I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s okay if I miss my grown kids’ hugs. It’s okay if I feel isolated even though I’m an introvert. It’s okay if I’m exhausted even though I didn’t do much all day. It’s okay to cry. All of what I am feeling is okay, acceptable and very much warranted.


I don’t need to achieve, I need to survive. I need to be kind to myself (and others). My feelings are valid even though I’m not sending my sons or daughters off to a foreign country to war. My daughters are in the middle of the war, just like me because the war is HERE. No one has to go across the ocean to be killed by enemy fire. The enemy came to us and you can’t see it. It is threatening everyone I know and love. Everyone.


Be kind to yourself, what you are feeling is warranted for the situation. Don’t listen to social media when they say oh you need to do this or that, and don’t pressure yourself either. Eventually, this too will pass but we will be dealing with the effects for a long time and life as we knew it will change. Some things will be better and some not so great. Look out for your neighbor, for strangers as much as you safely can. We need to support each other just as we did (usually) in war time. But most of all, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.


Sending my love and praying/meditating/wishing for everyone’s health and safety. Godspeed.


Week 3: Peace With Food Journal – Stay Strong!

This week has been about being very mindful of diet mentality and behavior. It has also been about not weighing myself eve though the urge to “check” and see if I’ve made any progress is powerful. But I am afraid if I give in to my urge to step on that damned scale, I turn my intuitive eating lifestyle that I am cultivating into a ‘diet’. All these years of judging myself based on what I weigh and my size is going to take some time to overcome. I wish it was overnight but it’s going to take hard work. I can’t undo years of thinking that my weight and body size define who I am as a person. Smaller = better person & happier. Bigger = Miserable failure.

I reflected over my life and think of all the diets I’ve tried, the millions of magazine articles I’ve read, all the health tips and studies which the next year, they are saying oh never mind, it’s actually okay in moderation. Coffee won’t really give you diabetes or whatever. Or eggs won’t kill you. My great-grandmother, Sadie, always said everything in moderation. She lived to be almost 101 years old. The only thing I remembered she would do is eat a banana and drink orange juice every day to keep her mind in good shape as she aged. It certainly didn’t hurt her. I mean there are some things you don’t want to have ‘just a little’ of such as crack and heroin. But as far as food, unless you have a severe allergy or medical issue forbidding a food, I can’t think of anything that if you just had a bit of it, that it’s going to kill you.

In other words, food isn’t the enemy. Food is our friend and we’ve been villainizing it for years. And then there are the ‘miracle’ foods that I have yet to have experienced a miracle from eating grapefruit 2x’s a day for weeks. Common sense need to take over here. If diets worked, I wouldn’t be fat. If all the drinks and diet aids etc. companies want you to push worked, we wouldn’t be fat and then we wouldn’t need these products. They want you to feel you must be dependent on them and keep buying them because they want their cut of the billions spent in the diet industry. Think of what would happen if we all took the money we spent on diet products/drinks, diet books, programs, gyms we hate, etc. and put toward world hunger? Billions of dollars to feed the starving in our country and other countries.

Billions. Billions. According to Time Magazine, 66.7 BILLION….. What good could we do in the world, in our neighborhood, with that money? Remember the diet industry doesn’t want you to get thin without having to continue on their meetings or products because they want your money. That’s all it is about, the almighty buck. There isn’t some team of corporate board members sitting at the fancy conference table saying, ‘Gee, Bob, I really want to help people who are overweight, let’s find the fix for it and give it out at low-cost without any maintenance products, etc. to keep funneling money into our pockets. We will cure obesity.” I mean maybe there is, but I highly doubt it. Scientifically, this may be happening but they have yet to find the ‘fix’ for obesity just yet. I’m going to find out if my ‘fix’ is just to trust myself and my body for what it wants.

Also, I am working on my ‘good’ and ‘bad’ food labels that are burned into my brain much like the grape jelly the other week. I ate grape jelly and my health did not come to a sweeping halt. Grape jelly isn’t ‘bad’. Yes it has sugar in it and not a lot of nutritional value but it tastes so good. And guess what? I didn’t binge on grape jelly by having it. No giant spoon in the jar taking huge bites of nothing but wiggly dark purple grape jelly. One day at work this week, I had the distinct craving for little cookies that come in the vending machine. So I took a handful of change, wandered down to the break room and studied the offerings. The little vanilla cream sandwich cookies or the tiny choc chip cookies? Chocolate chip won. I took them back to my desk, put down a napkin and opened is so the cookies spilled out the bright blue packaging. Then I slowly enjoyed and savored each cookie. I didn’t shovel them into my mouth like I had to hurry up and eat them before someone saw the fat girl was eating tiny cookies. I debated on whether to go get a second pack. I scanned my body to see what it wanted and one pack was just fine. World didn’t end. I didn’t go up a size. And I was happy.

So essentially this week is just staying strong. Keeping on the path of teaching myself to listen to my body, using intuitive eating. While it’s a simple theory, overcoming years of dieting behavior and judgmental crap makes it more difficult than one would think. The other thing I continue to work on is showing myself kindness and not judging myself. If I eat a little too much at a meal and am overly full, I stop myself from saying things in my mind like “OMG, you just are such a pig” and replacing them with gentle prompts like “I wonder why I ate too much?” I am trying to replace the judgmental with observational kindness. Learning from the moment rather than beating myself up. I wonder if all the beating myself up over the years has contributed to my overeating? I feel bad for eating too much, beat myself up mentally or sometimes even out loud, then I comfort myself with more food. I can see how that could easily be a cycle.

I’ve continued to listen to my podcasts as much as possible as they are much like going to a support group without the awkward circle of chairs and all that sharing. On one of the podcasts, the dietitian suggested to look at pictures of people of larger bodies having fun, and being happy to reprogram ourselves from shying away from these images or in real life. You can follow ‘Be Your Own Beloved” campaign on Instagram as well if you want to do this. I thought this was an interesting point because I never really thought about if I was uncomfortable looking at people with larger bodies including myself. I’m better at looking at myself in the mirror and being less judgmental than ten years ago, but I’m not really completely comfortable with how I look. I rarely post any full body shots of myself on social media perferring headshots as it hides my body. So I think it’s a good project, working on being more comfortable with myself and other people in larger bodies. Cringing at myself in the full length mirror because I have a belly is not accepting myself!

I’ve adopted the mantra ‘stay strong!’ as a reminder to keep following the principles of intuitive eating, to trust my body, to fight my long engrained diet mentality, to let go of judging myself by weight and size. Though, I have to remain vigilant right now just about every waking hour to fight my old habits, I imagine eventually it will become natural for me. Not that I won’t have setbacks or fall back into dieting mentality. One of the podcasts I listened to this week on Love, Food, was where this woman had been doing very well for a few years with intuitive eating and then suddenly had the impulse to go back to dieting because she saw herself in some photos. She didn’t look the way she thought she should look and it was enough to send her back to dieting for awhile. So, I don’t believe that I will just magically be fixed and not have moments where I slip.

So the bottom line for Week 3:

1. Stay Strong – Keep the faith, stay alert and keep pushing on.

2. Stay Kind – Don’t get upset or angry with yourself. It’s hard sometimes but show yourself love and kindness.

3. Enjoy Food – Eat when you are hungry and only what you want (or the closest you can get to at the time)

4. Stop when Satiated – I’m still learning my cues of when I’m full but noticed this week I wasn’t uncomfortably full but once.

5. Stop and Take Note – If you find yourself overeating or eating when not hungry, stop for a moment and scan what it is you really need, feel or want. Be gentle.

6. You Deserve Love – We are all worthy of love for ourselves as well as love and respect from others no matter what our size. If someone is being disrespectful or harmful to you, you can take charge of the situation. You can’t fix or control their behavior but you can make the choice to speak up for yourself, distance yourself or ignore their stupidity.

That’s it for Week 3. More later. Happy eating! 🙂