Tomorrow, I turn 50 years old and for some reason moving into the next decade of my life always makes me reflective. I look over the previous decade and think about all that has happened. Where I was in my life when I turned 40 is a lot different now that I’m on the cusp of 50. Turning 30 was probably the hardest for me as leaving my 20’s felt like I was definitely heading into middle age. My ‘youth’ was behind me it seemed. Turning 20 had been celebrated because I was more than happy to stop being a teenager. I always felt older than I was back then. In a rush to grow up and be independent. Turning 40 was no big deal. I didn’t have a lot of feelings about it, I was busy with three teenagers and taking care of my mother who was going through multiple bouts of cancer. My whole 49th year, I have been thinking about what does turning 50 mean to me. When I turned 20, 50 seemed ancient and old. Last night at dinner, my husband asked me where did I see myself at 50. I honestly didn’t think about it before now. I had just been trying to survive in my 30’s and 40’s. There has been enormous changes during this past decade. I’ve lost some very important people in my life and in my mid-40’s, I became an orphan so to speak, with no grandparents or parents alive. My three daughters have grown up and moved out starting their own lives. Frankly, I hadn’t planned for this part of my life. The beauty of social media is that you get to share moments with people in your life that you may not be able to otherwise. I’m friends with many of my classmates and us being the same age, I’ve watched them embrace their jump into the next decade. Not one of them complaining but joyful that hey, we made it to 50. My personal feeling is one of gratitude, that I have been given all these years to live and I’ll tell you, now fifty sounds young. My great-grandmother, Sadie, always said, ‘You’re only as old as you think”. She lived to be almost 101 years old. I never once remember her referring to herself as ‘old’. I think it is sage advice. So many of my friends and people I know never made it this far so every day, every year is a blessed. Going into the fifth decade, you have a completely different outlook than if you were going into your 2nd or 3rd decade. You’ve seen some shit, experienced great heartbreak but also great amazing joys. What was important to you at 20 is probably not as important to you at 50. Wisdom comes with age and you finally understand the saying ‘youth is wasted on the young’. At 20, you have all these lofty goals and ideas that may seem silly or frivolous now that you see what is truly important in life. Walking beside my mom in her final months of her life narrowed that list down for me exponentially. The only thing you take with you when you die is love. So my life is centered around those I love the most and being kind and loving to others. Love is my meaning of life. To love and be loved. To help others and not be a total shit to people. As I move into my fifth decade, I want a simple and uncomplicated life. I know this isn’t always possible because well, … life. However, I will continue to strive to just enjoy the little things, enjoy what we have worked so hard for and have fun. I think I can finally take a breath and have some damned fun. I always put so much pressure on myself to achieve, but now I’m not sure what I’m achieving. To really focus on taking care of myself after pretty much all my life, I’ve taken care of someone else. To really pay attention to my health because I know as I get older, good health may be more of a challenge. The body is not as forgiving as you get older. In conclusion, I’m excited to leave being my tumultuous 40’s. I feel more like I did back in college when I had my whole life ahead of me. I still have my whole life ahead of me, but the minutes and days are even more precious because I have much fewer of them. I look forward to trying new things and having many more new adventures. I enter this decade freer and less tethered as I am at the moment, not taking care of anyone but myself. It’s time to really enjoy my life, relax and have fun. Explore new possibilities. Look at new ventures and take a few risks. Goodbye 40’s and hello 50’s, you sexy beast!
With the start of the new year also being a start of a new decade, social media, advertising, conversations, etc. have been set very much around ‘new year, new you’. Lose weight, get motivated, quit smoking, so on and so forth. Okay, giving up smoking is a really awesome goal – trust me, lung cancer is no picnic. This tide starts somewhere in November and runs through January usually dying off right before Valentine’s Day when our focus shifts toward a holiday that seems to be fraught with expectations and triggers (PS it’s also my 50th birthday – I love gift cards to bookstores, Starbucks and resturants if you feel inclined hahaha).
This new decade also starts my fifth decade of life so I’m being particularly reflective. I know a lot of people dread getting older. Oh, no! I’m going to be fifty! Well, I remember when fifty seemed ancient and now it sounds young. But I’m really not one of those people as I prefer to look as aging as a priviliege that so many people I love and know did not even reach the grand old age of fifty. I’m one of the lucky ones and considering my wayward youth, I am particularly lucky to still be kicking around this great big earth of ours. While I can look in the mirror and see the signs of the years on my face, my skin starting to become crepey, my joints aching a little more each passing month, I am truly and deeply grateful for all of it. I am here and I am alive and I am healthy (knock on wood).
So when you add in the new year, new decade and a landmark birthday, this trifecta got me thinking. I bought a new journal toward the end of the year (okay I’m a journal hoarder, just ask my kids) and started filling it with big ideas and plans. I’m going to lose weight and get really fit. I’m going to finish that novel. So on and so forth. Then a few weeks went by and I went back to this pretty journal. As I’m reading through all that I wrote, I felt more and more tired with each page. How many times had I done this? Make these big plans and when I come back to them, I find my motivation has already waned. Sure it is a good thing to write down your goals to make them real, but do I have the right goals? What if I didn’t make a bunch of big goals? Would the world end?
What if I didn’t work toward a ‘new’ me? What if I am okay with the present ‘me’? Why do I have to keep working toward something big? I’ll be honest, ever since I could write sentences and make up stories, people told me I should write books, be an author. But cresting on my fifth decade, I’ve published in several small ways but I never really feel a thrill or accomplishment in publishing. I truly believe if publishing a book was my heart’s desire, that I would have done it by now or at least made a much larger effort toward this dream. I use writing as a way to work out things whirling around in my mind, to work out problems and sometimes just to entertain myself. I love writing blog posts because it doesn’t take huge amounts of efforts and sometimes I actually reach someone.
Over Christmas break, I spent a day going to several bookstores and trying to imagine my book sitting on their best seller shelf. I’m sure I looked every bit the crazy person standing back with my eyes closed at times, staring at the shelves of hard-back books. I couldn’t imagine it. I didn’t find myself getting excited about the idea of my book and my name on some beautiful cover. I decided that writing a book isn’t a goal of mine. Giving up a something you believed about yourself most of your life is very disconcerting. This was part of my identity, becoming a successful, rich author had been ingrained in my psyche but it hadn’t really been my own goal. I’m still a writer, but I am most likely not going to be the author of best-selling books. I am not closing the door on that possibility but I’m letting go of that goal because right now at least, it’s not mine. I know myself, if it’s something I truly had wanted, I would have achieved it by now or in the very least, put in a Herculean effort.
So what if I don’t change a thing about myself? What if my big goal becomes listening to and following my heart? Giving love and kindness to others. What if that’s it? My whole goal list in three points. Love myself, listen to my heart, be kind to others. The end.
As I wrote that list, I feel very positive and happy about it. I think we get so tied up into accomplishing goals, making ourselves better or new, so on and so forth, that we forget to enjoy the very moment we are standing in. So this year, I’m going to let go and follow those three points. I want to be more in the present moment and enjoy my life. I want to live my life in love and be loved back. On my deathbed, I’m not going to be ‘oh, I wish I’d lose that last ten pounds’ or ‘oh, I regret not writing that novel I didn’t really want to write’ or ‘I didn’t follow that goal list to the tee’.
That’s my goal this year, don’t change a thing (about me). Love myself, love others and follow my heart. Maybe, you could give this a try too cuz you’re awesome just the way you are!
At age 49, I’m going back to college, again, this time to complete my Bachelor’s degree. As I went over the programs with my college adviser, I found myself facing the fact that I would have to take Algebra and Statistics as general requirements for the BS degree. I tried my hardest to find a way around these even looking at other online college programs, but there was no doubt about it, I was going to have to take these classes. So when I registered for my first semester’s classes, I bit the bullet and chose Algebra and a business management course.
Now, I’m not going to say I’m bad at math, I’m not. I’m bad at things that don’t make sense to me. These things make perfect sense to my husband who is very technical and can figure out formulas in his head. But my brain doesn’t work that way. In high school, Algebra was the only class I truly struggled with especially the tests. When I planned my classes for high school, I went the safe route skipping trigonometry and calculus even though my desire was to go to school for more math and science-related area(s). When I had taken several career apptitude tests, every sort of engineering came up along with landscape architect and orchestra leader as well. But I was afraid of the math required to get these degrees.
I ended up taking a one-year program in Medical Assisting. Physiology and Anatomy didn’t scare me at all. Actually I loved all the medical classes even though it was a lot of memorizing. My plan was to do the program and move to the city to finish my Bachelor’s degree at the bigger university that I really wanted to attend. The medical assisting program would give me the ability to make a lot more money as I was paying for college myself as I paid for an apartment and my tuition.
But I picked this course,because I was afraid to jump straight in to the four-year university. I knew I was going to have to take pre-requisite classes because I had avoided them in high school. Most classes were easy for me. But complicated math, ugh, I felt like a failure because I just didn’t get it and it was so hard. Back then I didn’t consider the fact that maybe my brain just isn’t wired for certain things and I wasn’t actually a failure, that everyone has things that is hard for them. Instead of facing something I could very well fail, I chose to go the route of avoidance. I was too afraid to fail.
When I decided to finish my degree, I was faced with the fact that I was going to finally have to face my fear of passing college level algebra. When the classes opened online a week before the actual semester start date, I dove into the algebra class. As soon as I started into it and saw how much work it would be, I dropped the business course. This class was going to take my full attention. And it did, I spent over twenty hours on the first week’s reading, assignments, discussion question and online weekly meeting with our instructor. All of the class was online including the homework which was nice, but the software wouldn’t let you bypass anything. I had to learn it and sometimes, I would be almost in tears until it finally, finally clicked.
The class contained three exams, all paper that I drove over an hour to the testing center(s) as I decided this was easier than finding a proctor and making sure the tests were returned on time, etc. The first exam took me 2.5 hours. I got a low B. The second exam took as much time but I struggled way more and I got a D. But I made sure to ace everything else including the extra test credit. I was applying the law of averages, I just need to pass this class not get a 4.0 in it. Even with the D on the second exam, I was still averaging an A.
As the final exam approached, this 12-week class became more intense with more complicated formulations and equations. Due to scheduling issues, I had to switch from the remote testing center to the main campus for which I lost five days of study time. This was not good and I was almost in tears again. I do great when I can see my notes and the book, but the tests were much harder. So instead of panicking, I took the total points of the class, the points I had earned, assumed I’d get 100% on the homework and other assignments because I had and then added 50% of the points of final exam essentially getting an ‘F’. What grade would I get if I flunked the exam with half the points? I sighed with relief. I would get a ‘B’ in the class. I knew I could get at least half the questions right.
Yesterday, I drove downtown to the main campus and while a little nervous, I knew I would pass the class regardless. It took me almost 3 hours and I found while the story problems always mess me up, I really remembered most of what I learned including the quadratic formula I had memorized along with a host of others. I might get a C on the exam, but I figure more a D. But it doesn’t really matter, I accept that this testing is hard for me and I did my best. I excelled in the homework and other assignments. Sometimes, there are just things in life that you just have to do your best knowing that you won’t ace it. And that’s alright.
The one thing I wish is that I hadn’t let my fear of failing derail my plans. My life would have been a lot different had I stuck to my goals rather than letting fear dictate my path. I don’t know if it would have been better, but I know I wouldn’t have regretted diverting from my goals. I short-changed myself big time. Had I finished my degree as planned, my career path would have probably been greatly different. I would have likely made more money, etc.
I walked out of testing center yesterday knowing I did’t get a high grade but I was happy and felt accomplished. I did it, I passed college algebra! It’s better late than never. I realize that my tendency to avoid hard things limits my life significantly. I suppose that is human nature, taking the path of least resistance. No one wants to struggle and fail. But failure is part of growing. You can read that 10000 times and think yeah, makes sense but until you actually take action, face the possibility of failing, that these challenges is what makes you feel alive. I’ve been so focused on doing my best in this tough class that I haven’t had time to be bored or overthink or any of that stuff that I tend to do. Boredom for me comes from not challenging myself. From staying in my comfort zone.
As the new year, 2020, approaches, I will continue my classes but I’m also going to challenge myself in other areas of my life. If I fail, I fail. At least I’m out doing something rather than hiding away in my cozy, comfy zone.
Over the next year, I’ll share in my blog some of these challenges. I hope you will enjoy my ups and downs, my accomplishments and failures. Let’s enjoy the ride!
Perimenopause can be a real bitch. It starts out slow, making you slightly miserable and then for me, almost two years of feeling absolutely like shit. Hot flashes that wake you up 3-4 times a night not to mention just randomly during the day which is super fun. Having your sleep suffer to the point you’re falling asleep driving to work. Mood swings that a teenager wouldn’t envy. One minute you’re crying and the next you’re ready to kill a cute furry creature with your bare hands. I can go on, but trust me, it’s no fun. Plus, I was the one person who can’t take hormone replacement therapy and everything else they tried I was either allergic to or was overly sensitive. Yay me!
One thing about this I didn’t expect was how absolutely old, unsexy and washed up I felt. A lot probably was because I was struggling to do every day things and even more was my own way of thinking and preconceived notions. The bottom line is that just because menses stops, doesn’t mean it’s over. Not that I’m going to miss that monthly visitor. Good riddance. Moving into this phase of life though, you can’t deny you’re not longer in the ‘youth’ category. So I started searching out blogs and articles of women who had actually came into their own and had their greatest successess after they entered into menopause. That was eye-opening especially since I had figured that once you hit menopause, it’s over. Pull up your rocker, adjust your walker, get ready for death. No clue where I got that idea but it was stuck in my brain.
Pair in the start of my empty nest, it was quite the emotional, depressing, shit show of who am I? What am I going to do with my life? What meaning and purpose do I have any longer? Why is this so dang hard? I guess it was my version of a mid-life crisis but mostly it was just an adjustment, two events which I had no control over and in reality, both normal and eventually, positive things. Eventually, your perimenopause symptoms ease to the point you feel half-way human again and start sleeping more. You have more energy because your body isn’t in a revolt against the lack of hormone production. It’s almost like a withdrawal, a reverse puberty.
In line with that, I adjusted to living in this house without children. I spend a lot more time alone now, but I’m an introvert and I actually thrive in solitude. Not that I sit at home and feel sorry for myself (okay, once in awhile I did), but I found I love going out alone and being among people I don’t even know. Interacting with strangers is kind of my jam, because it’s short-lived and doesn’t require a huge amount of energy I don’t want to spend socializing. Oddly enough, I may be out alone but I’m not actually alone because depending on what I’m doing, there’s people everywhere. I’ve talked to all sorts of people from all over the world just doing things I love whether it’s hiking, biking or walking through a festival. When I am with someone else, I tend not to talk to anyone unless spoken to first because I place my attention on the person(s) I’m with.
Then when my employer increased our yearly tuition reimbursement amount, I decide to start taking classes again to finish my bachelor’s degree. I don’t have any grand plan when I do finish, but I realized it’s important for me to get my degree, a goal I had set for myself in my teens and it had always bothered me I didn’t finish. My first class was a basic orientation class which was super easy for me. My next class, Algebra. I picked this as my first real class because I like to get the worst out of the way early on. I’m not bad at math, I just struggle with things that don’t make much sense to me so algebra in high school wasn’t my thing. Geometry made sense to me so I did well in that. I somehow avoided calculus and trig which in a way, I wished I had believed more in myself back then.
Taking algebra 30+ years later is scary if you didn’t do well in high school. I’ve spent hours and hours on this class so far and I’m only about 50% done but guess what, I’m getting a 95% in the class overall so far. My hard work is paying off. The magical bonus – I’ve totally immersed myself in something extremely challenging and while scary at times (I was afraid I might not get it or even fail), the challenge has given me a major boost. I get frustrated at times, have been about in tears others but I really love having something that challenges me and it doesn’t revolve around people.
I am not a people person, though I’m not socially awkward, people and their issues drain me like no tomorrow. But equations and coefficients just sit there quietly, waiting for you to solve, or factor or graph. It’s exciting when something that didn’t make sense to me suddenly becomes clear. It may take me awhile to get it but when it clicks, it’s exhilirating to see “CORRECT” when I work through the online homework system.
The odd part is, this class has given me a new purpose and is teaching me about myself. I never do well having to deal with a lot of people but sit me down with a set of problems that are totally non-human related, and I’m happy to immerse myself in them. I also realized that I’ve sold myself short most of my life when it comes to math. Yes, it’s not easy for me but if I work at it long enough and ask for help, I eventually will get it and succeed. Going back to college again and starting with probably the hardest class in my curriculum has sparked something long buried inside of me. My love of a challenge.
When you grow up in a violently, dysfunctional home, go through two really bad marriages, so on and so forth, you tend to retreat into the most comfortable place you can nest. But for me, this means boredom. Yes, everything is all quiet and such for the most part but I’m bored shitless because I don’t even challenge myself or try something hard. Not that I want chaos and craziness in my life, but stepping up and stretching my wings is a good thing. Going back to school has made me feel almost alive again even if at times I just want to cry because I can’t quite get something.
- The good news is that even if you reach a time in middle-life when you’re struggling with ‘the change’ and/or empty nest or other changes, there comes a moment where you reach your second wind. My former therapist called it a valley. For years, you run at high speed taking care of so much and then bam, you fall into this valley which was for me was grief of losing my mother, perimenopause and transitioning into the empty (though it’s not technically empty) nest. Then one day, you realize that you’ve climbed out of the valley and are standing out in the sunshine once again. You take in a deep breath of crisp air and you feel human again. You want to take on the world or at least a country or two.
I know it’s hard but there is this time when you will out of the blue realize that you’ve come out of the woods. That you aren’t washed up or too old. The only time you’re too old is when you’re dead. Just keep moving ahead even if it’s a few baby steps at a time and you need a nap right after. We have to adjust as we get older but I follow the Facebook page of Ernestine Shepherd – the World’s Oldest Female Body Builder (check her out, she’s amazing). She’s in her 80’s and looks better than most people in their 30’s. Following her posts, it reminds me that you don’t have to just give up and get old. This lady is super dedicated and even trains other people!
It’s like my great-grandmother, Sadie, always said, “You’re only as old as you think.” That didn’t make sense to me until I got this age. She’s absolutely right.
About one year ago, my last daughter moved out on her own, leaving with the empty nest which is really a stupid term, because there are still my husband, my pets and I. It’s the altered nest, the changed nest, the lighter nest. It’s definitely not empty. Honestly, the anticipation of her leaving was worse than the actual event. Oh, I cried as I repainted her room, I grieved and after a few weeks, I was like, huh, this isn’t so awful. It’s different, quieter, cleaner, and at time starkly frightening as I was faced with all this free time that I wanted but didn’t really know what to do with once it arrived.
It’s been a year of letting go, of adjusting and of grieving. You go right ahead and grieve, just don’t get stuck there. And understand that it will ebb and flow and eventually your new life will seem more ‘normal’. The beauty of this time is that you get to go back and find yourself, pick up and start a new life. The hard part for me has been letting go and also discovering who I am when I peeled away the roles I’ve been living for so long. My caretaker role goes clear back to my youth as I lived in a very dysfunctional home. At a very young age, I was cooking, cleaning and taking care of people that were not my responsibility. So it’s been a bit of a shock, but I’m happy not taking care of much more than my pets, my home and myself.
I had the added challenge that my husband and I don’t work the same shift at times.(single parents – I feel so much for you!). My shift is steady while his swings and encompasses every other weekend. I’d never lived alone (I think everyone should live alone for a year – I’d fared much better) so being in the house alone as much as I was this past year was a struggle. First of all, I had to combat my own thinking. I’m not a loser if I’m home alone on a weekend night. I also had to embrace the fact that I’m an introvert during this year. I’ve become an ace at eating in restaurants alone and sometimes, I prefer this. Though people assume I’m not married or I have no friends or family when I do, this is certainly not true. I’m just a bit of a lone wolf and didn’t really discover how much this is true until this past year.
I’ve tried group activities and even if I had fun, I just didn’t want to go after the first meeting. I’ve tried different varieties of volunteering and settled on being a Lunch Buddy for a now sixth-grade girl at the middle school. The one-on-one interaction appeases my introverted side while the limited commitment appeased my desire to not ever be over-committed again. My personality demands flexibility and spontaneity. I’ve spent most of my life tied to commitments, schedules and so on. I will admit though, having all this free time was scary at first and there are times when I struggle with the thought that I need to do more, be more productive. When this happens, I have to really sit down and consider if I think I must do, if it really makes me happy or if it is just something I believe I need to do for whatever reason. In other words, that I don’t just stuff activities into an uncomfortable space that will eventually just make me miserable.
Having an empty nest has really opened the opportunity to learn who I am and focus on what I really want out of life. I was so used to just doing things because I was told I must, or there was some expectation of it (this was also self-inflicted), that I’ve been challenging my preconceived notions and ideas all year. This is still ongoing but when I reflect on where I stood a year ago, I’ve made some significant headway. Being authentic and being myself is a top priority for me. Though we all have to do things we don’t want to such as clean toilets, work, etc. these things have to be done or there are significant consequences that are worse than actually doing the undesirable activities.
Learning to let go has been another big lesson over the year. I still am working on this one as well, but after you’ve spent years guiding your kids, letting go especially for someone like me has been a drastic lesson in itself. But as I am getting better at not trying to control, give advice, etc. (not perfect at this in any way!), I find more and more freedom and way less worry and anxiety. My goal over the next year is learning to finally truly relax. I’m always just a little bit keyed up, partly because my brain is constantly rolling over things, many of which I have 0 control over to anyway. Ruminating over these things that are out of my control and driving my husband nuts is not beneficial. Like anything else, this is a process and slowly I’m getting better and better. I’ll never nail it perfectly but I can continue to improve. It’s hard not to worry about your kids.
Besides finding a volunteer opportunity I really love, letting go and being authentic, I started back to college utilizing my company’s reimbursement benefit. I finished my Associate’s degree in 2016. I thought I was done but I searched my heart when I found that my employer upped their benefit enough that I could actually attend online college (which is extremely expensive) and graduate in less than a billion years because I don’t want to put any money out of pocket for school. If I had some great career change I was pursuing, I would jump right in and take out loans, etc. for the higher education but since I really don’t have this, I am happy to go at a slower pace and not pay out much $$$$.
Though I will admit, I’ve freaked a bit at having to take college-level algebra after a 31-year hiatus from my last algebra class. This class is taking huge amounts of my time, so much so, that I dropped the management class that I was taking at the same time in order to stay sane. I’m just not great at algebra and had to start at the very beginning of the text book and read everything, watch every video, redo a ton of problems, take tons of notes, etc. This is extremely challenging. But while I’m not a fan of math, I am really underneath it all, good at math when it finally makes sense to me. What I do enjoy is the challenge. Being so engrossed in something, even though it’s not my fave, that time flies by. I was sitting in one of my regular haunts yesterday, eating lunch alone working on math problems in between bites. One of the co-owners asked me what I was doing and even provided me with more scratch paper when he saw I was running out.
My life had gone on automatic. I’ve worked in the same place for 21 years. I’ve been in the same position now for 13 of those years. I can do much of my job in my sleep. I’m also not great about going outside of my comfort zone. This has more to do with growing up and living a good part of my life in chaotic mess. Now that my life is really good, usually calm (outside of work), I love the peace and am afraid of bringing anything stressful into my life. But I’m bored shitless this way. Walking around in a trance is no way to live.
But guess what? Now I have all this time to focus on my own challenges and goals. Even if I don’t have a clear picture of what I want to do in this chapter of my life, I can start working on whatever interests me. I get stuck on that, having this great big picture and when I don’t, I paralyze myself into inaction. The truth is, I don’t have to have it all figured out. I can pursue what I want in life and maybe it will all click together into this grand picture or maybe it never will. Either way, I’m not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. But I am also not filling my time with “should’s” and “have to’s” that aren’t truly something I need to do. I have to pay taxes but I don’t have to join a writing group just because I love writing but I don’t love groups. I can sit at home alone and watch a movie on Friday night. I don’t have to get a bunch of people together and go out.
So, thank you empty nest for allowing me the time and focus to really get back to myself and learn about myself. Hopefully, I’m becoming a better person (still working really hard on this one) and a more independent person. I was used to having one of my daughters around to hang out with but now I have to entertain myself at times. It’s forcing me out of my shell, out of my safe little world. I’ve even started attending festivals alone when no one is available. On my bucket list – go to the movies alone. Okay, for an extrovert that sounds awful but for an introvert like me, it seems almost normal.
Thank you college algebra, you’re probably going to have me in tears a few times, but I forgot how much I love a challenge. I have been avoiding things that I don’t like as if they are the plague. I think this attitude is holding me back in life. I may hate editing my own writing, but I need to if I want to publish something on a real scale. I may be afraid of the whole submission, finding an agent, etc. process but I am going to have to move forward rather than staying in my safe bubble to accomplish publication and finally see one of my books on the shelves of Barnes and Noble. I have a tendency to talk myself out of hard goals or activities. No pain no gain, right? I’ve got to get my cowardly ass back out into life. I’ve spent years hiding behind my kids and my responsibilities.
I have no excuse now do I? Time to live. Thank you, Empty Nest, for ripping back the curtain of comfort that I was hiding behind. I keep trying to pull it closed so I can hide and not face hard things. I’ve stopped challenging myself outside of my comfort zone. It’s hard to go back and face the forgotten dreams, it’s easy to say, oh, I don’t really want to get my bachelor’s degree or I don’t really want to publish that book, but is it really true?
It’s taken me a year, but I finally want to step out from my comfort curtain and start living. It’s a bit scary but I feel alive. Until next time, hugs and encouragement to you!
There is not great advice out there on transitioning to becoming an empty nester. All along I’ve not been a fan of the term ’empty nest’ because of the word ’empty’. It’s not empty because you and/or your spouse or partner and maybe some pets are still live in said nest. Maybe something like ‘lightened nest’. My nest is lighter. A term with a more positive connotation would be preferable. My nest has changed but it isn’t empty.
Starting clear back in 2009 when my oldest daughter graduated high school, I had started reading books, articles, blogs and whatever I could get my hands on about transitioning into this lighter nest time in my life. Considering that my youngest just moved out last year in 2018, nine years later, I’ve had quite a bit of time to do research. I’ve even conferred with my therapist. But the advice you get is about all the same. Grieve that time in your life, but not too long and definitely don’t talk about it.
That’s the thing about being a parent, you spend an awful lot of time keeping your mouth shut and honestly, I get tired of it. Not that I want to tell my adult children what to do or run their lives (though I’ll be honest, I have to catch myself out of habit and well, you want the best for them), but I want to be able to honestly express my feelings. Not to make my kids feel guilty but so if they have families one day, they will know that this time in your life is a bittersweet one. So that other parents out there feel that they are heard as well.
There are many things I don’t miss about being a parent. All my time is dedicated to another person and my calendar was full. I don’t miss having to have meals on the table every day. I don’t miss a messy house or dishes left in the sink. I love having freedom to do what I want when I want without (outside of kenneling the pets if we travel) outside of my job. I don’t miss all the noise and the fighting, I like the quiet. I love having my washer and dryer free all the time and I’m not waiting on someone to unload one or the other. I love having a home office and an exercise studio/guest room. I love that my life is now my own after having my first child at the age of 20. And maybe someday, if I’m lucky, I’ll turn the studio/guest room into a room for grandchildren.
But I’ll admit, something very important is missing. I’ve tried all the advice they have suggested which essentially is: Fill all your time up with something else. Get a new hobby or go back to an old one, travel more, volunteer, go back to school, go after that career you’ve always wanted, start a business, join a club, make new friends and so on. In theory, that sounds like solid advice and maybe it truly works for some but it hasn’t really worked for me. I don’t sit at home doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself, especially since my husband and I work opposite shifts off and on during the month so I’m home alone quite frequently. I already had a dozen hobbies, we travel about the same, I am going back to school in less than a month, I’m not a club person, maybe I’ll make new friends but I’m an introvert and not horribly social to start with and well I don’t have some new career I’m dying to start. In short, I’d been living my life alongside raising my girls. The more independent they became, the more time I devoted toward my interests.
Last fall, I signed up with a local organization much like Big Brothers/Big Sisters to be a lunch buddy for an 11-year old fifth grade girl I’ll call Madison. Though you were to go just twice a month to eat lunch with your ‘little’, I usually went once a week when I could. Here I was in the middle school my three daughters attended and that once was the high school from which I graduated. I could still show you my locker in high school, #111. I’ll admit, I’ve tried different volunteering activities and this is the first one that I really enjoyed and looked forward to doing. I finally found something fulfilling. Toward the end of the school year, the coordinator determined that we were a ‘match’ which means Madison and I can now spend time together outside of school with permission of her parents and of course, when she is available. Though it took some back and forth (Madison’s parents are divorced and she floats between the homes) and some phone tag but the other day, we finally had our first day out.
I took Madison to meet my oldest daughter and while there she met a few of her friends and my daughter’s cat. Then we visited my middle daughter and her three cats and three fish tanks. Though my youngest was at work, she lives with the middle one, so Madison got to meet her two cats as well. She loves animals and wanted to meet my daughters she’s heard so much about. Our last stop was the local coffee/chocolate house downtown. We each picked mango smoothies (with whipped cream) and walked down to the river to sit on an iron bench I sat with my own daughters when they were little. I told Madison stories about my girls bringing bread down to feed the ducks/geese (which you’re not supposed to do now) and how my middle one would come and fish trying to catch these ginormous catfish that live in this murky river. She told me stories as well about her family and things she’s done.
As she’s talking, I glance over at her, her feet up on the bench, oversized sunglasses on her face, my heart seizes. I realize how much I miss these moments with my own daughters when they were younger. I have an ‘AHA’ moment right there happily hanging out with Madison and I realize all the empty nest advice I’ve read or been given, doesn’t even touch the one key thing I’ve been missing. It was as if the last puzzle piece of what I was struggling with finally clicked! into place. Everything finally, finally made sense.
I went from Super Hero to Pinch Hitter as my kids grew up and moved on with their lives. I’m still close to my daughters, I still see them frequently, we still spend time together. We’ve had a few growing pains and bumps, but mostly things are good. We’re still a close-knit family though everyone’s schedules are a bit challenging to get us all together. But I’m a pinch hitter now. Once in a great while, they need me but they are independent grown women. I talk to them at least once a day via messenger app. We have a group chat and individual chats. That’s one blessed thing about technology that we didn’t have twenty-five years ago. We can be in touch, just like we were when we all lived together. Just less crowded and we aren’t fighting.
I had been chiding myself because I believe that I shouldn’t ever feel sad about having a lighter nest. “You started out with no kids and you were fine back then. You had a great time, you weren’t sad and down.” But parenthood changes you. I’m not the same person I was at 19-20 or in my teen years. I’m trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I’ve become a different person who has rounded out their life.
When your child(ren) are born, you put on a cape and become their super hero. You’re responsible for all their care, they are completely helpless. As they grow, there is usually a pretty intense love affair between you. First smiles, first laugh, tiny fingers gripping onto one of yours, wrapping their arms around your neck, you saving them from all sorts of scary things, they become attached to you at the hip and then for a while they don’t like you but then they come back. You’re the first person they show things to and you walk with them as they learn about and explore life. So many kisses and hugs and bedtime stories. So many sweet moments tucked into all the hair-pulling exhaustion and frustration and then one day, it’s all gone even if you have a good relationship with your adult kids. But it’s changed as it’s supposed to but no one really tells you that you’re left a bit empty. Maybe that’s how the word empty came into play.
It’s a process, going from Super Hero to Pinch Hitter, usually a gradual one but you’re now a bit player in their life. What annoys the crap out of me is when people, well-meaning as they are, tell you ‘well that’s how it’s supposed to be, they are supposed to grow up’. No shit. Thanks so much for that. But no one tells you that no matter what you do, even if you’re happy to not be caring for someone and to be on your own again, that you miss all the love. Not that you and your adult kids don’t love each other but they aren’t running up to you four or five times a day and wrapping their arms around your neck and giving you sloppy kisses. No one is looking up to you daily (though this wanes as they get older). You’re not the hero anymore. Maybe a little, but it’s more in the background. You’ve been pretty much retired and even though I volunteer and spend time with someone younger, it’s not as if she’s my own child so it’s different. She’s happy to see me and excited to spend time with me. Now the only people who are excited to see me outside of Madison, aren’t people at all but my pets (thank god for them right?).
After I took Madison home, I drove back to my house in deep thought. It made sense now. I can do all the things on the list of ‘what empty nesters should do’ and it’s not going to replace the sweet love and moments I had with my daughters. Even if I worked all day with kids, it’s not the same. I’m guessing this is why people are so happy when they become grandparents. They get their Super Hero cape back, at least for a decade or so. Or maybe with grandparents, you get to keep it longer? But this makes sense to me, this is why going back to school, delving into 200 hobbies, starting a business, etc. doesn’t quite make you feel whole (or at least me – I can’t speak for others). But acknowledging what is really going on with me, helps. I can be gentle with myself and not chide myself for struggling a bit. There is a reason I am struggling and even though my girls are productive and amazing grown ups, I’m grieving parts of parenthood that can’t be fixed by anything. It just is.
I’ve had my cape cleaned and it’s tucked neatly away in my closet in case I need it some day. But until then, I will allow myself to feel what I need to feel. I will be gentle with myself and understand that it’s not something you ‘fix’. That there isn’t a book or article or blog or maybe even therapist who is going to tell you that it’s really okay and not suggest shoveling a lot of activities into that missing piece. It’s okay for me to be sad and sometimes feel a little unneeded because the truth is, I’m not needed as much. My feelings are valid. I’m not being silly or a pathetic person, I am being human. It’s okay if sometimes I feel like I’m not as useful as I once was or miss reading bedtime stories, and all the hugs and kisses. There is no shame in that. It’s okay to be sad sometimes while being relieved you don’t have to cook dinner every night.
Bottom line: Being a parent changes you. You’ll never be the same person again but that’s alright.
Renaissance: Rebirth, Revival
Crisis: An emotionally significant event or radical change of status in a person’s life
-Defined by Merriam-Webster
Say the word ‘mid-life’ and suddenly the stereotype of the fiftish man dumping his long-suffering wife for a younger woman, who buys an obnoxious sports car pops up into the brain. Mid-life is met with groans and negativity. The words ‘mid-life crisis’ are rampant for describing this period of life. But I don’t think most of us have an actual ‘crisis’. I believe it’s normal to step back and look at one’s life especially admist the many signficant life changes that can happen in this period such as a parent or both parent’s death, children leaving home and facing our own mortality more definitely now.
The average US life expectancy at this writing is approximately 78 years of age. Divide that by two and you get 39. Yep, at 39, you’re half way to dead if you live to this statistic. That was a bit sobering for me when I did the math because I’m already 49. Ten years into the downward spiral to the grave. There are varying opinions of when mid-life crises seem to strike or when mid-life actually falls. Frankly, none of usually know when we will die unless we have been unfortunately diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you die when you are 30, then 15 was your mid-way point. It’s the crap shoot of life, you just never know.
I know a lot of people around my age and honestly, unless it’s been kept a very tight secret, I’ve only seen a few of them go through what I would term a mid-life crises. We are all going through changes to our life but haven’t we from the beginning? It’s just that in mid-life, the changes sometimes are more painful. Caring for an ill and/or aging parent or parents. If you are a parent, your children leaving home can be bittersweet. Some of you are super thrilled while others are gravely devastated. These are tough points in our lives and no one can truly prepare you for them. I spent years preparing for the empty nest. As soon as my oldest daughter graduated high school when I was 39, I went into preparation mode. I read books and articles on empty nest. None of which really helped. You get vague advice like pursue your hobbies or start a new career, reconnect with old friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they don’t really say, grieve that part of your life. It’s okay to feel sad about it. Just don’t get stuck there.
When my youngest left home after living with us through four years of college, I spent the last few months she lived with us dreading her leaving. Then after she left, the first few weeks were tough but then I adjusted. Now, going on a year later, our relationship has evolved and even though we had a few bumps which I think are normal, I’m enjoying the empty nest quite a bit. It’s a change. There are good and bad parts of it but for me it was mostly good. But getting over that hump was scary and difficult at times but mostly, I worked it up in my head to be worse than it truly turned out. I was a young mother so at 49, I’m fully into mid-life, I’m an orphan because my parents and grandparents have all passed away and I’m living in an empty nest. Which sounds somewhat depressing but it’s really part of life. We won’t all be at the same place at the same time.
But did I go through a crisis? No. I had ups and downs but never a crisis. I think much with this time of my life has to do with mentality. How you see your life currently as it is. It can’t stay the same, the kids grow up, people pass away and/or get sick, you get bored with your job (or not), you revisit old dreams only to find the are no longer valid.
I was sitting in a restaurant having lunch alone when the term ‘mid-life renaissance’ popped into my head. I’ve embraced my introversion over the last year or so as I needed to recalibrate my life as an empty nester. Actually, my nest isn’t empty, there is my husband and I and our cat and dog. I really think they need a new term because “empty nest” makes it sound vacant. Once a nest is empty in the bird world, not even the parents come back to it. They move on to other locations and adventures. Embracing my introversion means I actually enjoy doing things alone, mostly because it gives me a lot of time to think, which is really crucial to my personality. I usually take in a book or a notebook, usually the latter, because I tend to do a lot of thinking while sitting in a restaurant. I was thinking about what I want to do in the future, when the word ‘renaissance’ popped into my head. Mid-Life Renaissance rather than a crisis.
As part of this ‘renaissance’, I’ve started challenging myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Yesterday, I went to a large festival I really enjoy and almost always attend with someone else. This time however, I went alone. I was a little nervous riding the shuttle bus by myself. But I forced myself into the long line and did it anyway. A teenager sat down beside me relieved she didn’t have to sit alone. She worked in the town where the festival was happening and knew she wouldn’t find parking so she opted for the shuttle. So it happened that I was able to qualm her nervousness just by being there. At the festival, I walked around taking my time and stopping to talk to the artists at some of the booths. I took photos of things that I thought were cool that I might not have noticed had I been with other people. Essentially, I enjoyed the experience and getting out of my comfort zone is a key part of my mid-life renaissance. Bottom line, I have fun by myself or with someone else along. But I don’t need someone to go with me all the time.
Really we have little control over the world and what happens but we can control how we think about it and our reactions. We can think of mid-life in the negative, that it sucks and so on or we can embrace this time, understand there are some tough moments to it, but find the beauty in the storm. For example, I love to bicycle but at 49, I don’t recover like I once did. I find myself being more cautious to prevent injuries because it simply takes longer to heal. I could be upset and depressed about that fact or I can look at it as hey look, I’m 49 and I can still go out to ride fifty miles. Choosing the positive outlook very much changes the feel of the exact same situation. Yes at times I get passed by younger, fitter cyclists but on the other hand, I pass quite a few cyclists myself that are younger than me. I chose at this point in my life to just compete with myself and listen to my body. I’m not 20, listening to my body is crucial but it’s not a bad thing either. I did damage to my body when I was younger that I pay for today. I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
I’m at a point of my life that I am financially stable and want for very little materialistically. I’ve worked hard to get here and have suffered several setbacks usually in the way of divorce, that required me to start over again. But for this moment, I’m in a very good place and it’s time to enjoy what I’ve worked so hard for. Mid-life is a time to stop and look around. To stop racing so hard, pushing so hard especially when you’ve reached a large number of your goals.
Mid-life is your time for a renaissance, a rebirth, a revival. To start embracing the gifts you have been given, to really start being cognizant of how you spend your time and with whom. Mid-life isn’t a death sentence, it’s a gift all its own where you get to take your hard-earned wisdom and put it to use. It’s a time to experience new things with the time that may suddenly appear after the kids move out and so on. It’s your rebirth, but this time you don’t usually have to start from the bottom and work your way up. Chances are you’ve already done that and have a solid foundation that allows you to enjoy your life and explore new avenues.
Very simply, it’s not required to have a mid-life crisis though I know people may experience this but I believe they are in the minority and have personality traits that set them up for this such as large egos or deep-seated insecurity. The rest of us can embrace a rebirth, a revival, a mid-life renaissance. I’m excited for this next par tof my life.
‘Till next post…
If you have ever or do suffer from depression, you know what havoc this complete bitch can do to your life and your happiness. Six weeks ago, I found this TED talk by Dr. Stephen Ilardi and it has CHANGED my life (https://youtu.be/drv3BP0Fdi8). If Dr. Ilardi had a fan club, I would join, he is my hero. Yes, my hero is a profession at the University of Kansas. Thank you, Dr. Ilardi, from the bottom of my heart. I’m totally going to write him a fan letter when I finish this blog post.
After watching his TED talk, I researched some of the six steps he outlines in his book, The Depression Cure. The one I started doing that very day was taking Omega 3’s as he suggests in his book, but I messed up and was only taking half the recommended dose. I’m sensitive to medications due to being hypothyroid, so it was probably just as well. In late August, I had taken two online depression test which both came back ‘moderate depression’. Disclaimer – Use these tests only for a marker and not as an actual diagnosis. The one I put weight on is the “Psychology Today” depression test because there are 120 questions meaning it’s more in depth and is put out there by a reputable magazine. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/health/depression-test. If you take the test and score within a certain range, they will suggest you see your doctor. Please do so, especially if it’s serious.
But anyway, the first two of the six steps I put into place was taking Omega 3’s daily (accidentally 1/2 dose) and at least 30 minutes of vigorous cardio (brisk walking/jog – for me) three times a week. When I took the one test at http://www.psycom.net on 8/31/2018, it showed me at moderate depression. The Psychology Today test I took that day showed me the same results. Ever since I was actually diagnosed with depression at age 35, I’ve used these marker tests to just gauge if I needed to see my doctor and/or therapist. In all honesty, looking back, I’ve struggled with depression from childhood until just recently. That’s around forty years of my life.
A few weeks after starting the two steps of Dr. Ilardi’s book, my depression for the Psycom.net test dropped to minimal depression. It had never been that low. ‘Mild depression’ had been the lowest. Same with the Psychology Today test. I retook that test as well and for the first time ever, it came up with a score of “12” in a scale of 0-100. The higher the score, the more you rated on the depression scale. The words “You show absolutely no signs of depression” underneath my 11/25/2018 score shocked me.
Now six weeks in, I’ve added another one of Dr. Ilardi’s steps where you stop your tendency to ruminate about things in your life, especially negative ones. I’m still working on this because it really is a bad habit especially of those who have been struggling with depression for a long time. You catch yourself doing it and distract yourself or tell yourself to stop, focusing your attention on something positive. It’s that proverbial snowball turning into an avalanche kind of things. Starts small but takes on a life of its own.
The other step I added is light exposure especially in winter. Though I have yet to order the light box he recommends, but I’ve been wearing my sunglasses less right now during these bleaker Ohio winter months. I wouldn’t recommend this mid-day in summer, but right now sunlight is at a premium. And it seems to boost my mood as well. We spend so much time indoors but our eyes/body/brains need some sun. He explains it in his book.
So today I took the Psychology Today depression test again. I scored a 12 on 11/25 and today, 12/22, the day after the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, I scored a 3! These steps are working! I’m not even full into them or even taking the full dose of Omega’s 3’s yet and the difference is staggering. I can’t wait to write Dr. Ilardi and tell him. Along with a string of ‘thank you, thank you, thank you, bless you’. I feel like a different person.
Okay I’m going to take the smaller quiz from Psycom.net and see what it says. Hold on I’ll be right back…. NO DEPRESSION!
The first time ever it said that. Even back in 11/25 it came up ‘minimal depression’. Amazing. I was skeptical about The Depression Cure and I receive no money or benefit for recommending this book or to view the TED talk at least. I just want people suffering from this shitty, time-stealing mental illness to at least explore the steps outlined in the book. Fish oil isn’t hugely expensive and I buy huge bottles of it at Sam’s for less than $20. I don’t even eat fish or like the taste but I don’t get the burps, etc. from it. I really thing the Omega-3’s has been the key component in my recovery. The other steps have also helped but Dr. Ilardi explains in scientific terms why we have too many Omega 6’s in our diets and not enough Omega 3’s.
If I knew this back when I was a teenager or young adult, how my life might have been different. Depression has robbed me of motivation, confidence, happiness, and time. So much time. I’ve been beating myself up about not following my dreams. Earlier this year, I gave up on writing a fiction novel after not hearing back from the first and only publisher I sent it to. I self-published it and didn’t even promote my book. Now, I’m totally rewriting it, using a different format and really working at. Crafting. The story and making sure every sentence is my best. Before I was just worried about getting the word count where I wanted it and just getting done.
That’s what depression does, it steals the joy out of your life. It robs you of enjoyment when you do the things you love. It puts you in a grey cloud bubble where you stalk around the house feeling put upon, sad, despondent and worthless. Then you turn around and beat yourself up for being that way. But it’s a chemical imbalance of some sort. It’s physiological and not just psychological. I’m not a doctor but it’s explained more in the book.
Please check out this book. I’m cautious to say I’m ‘cured’ because I’m always a little skeptical but right at this moment, I’m for the first time in many, many years, actually decades, not depressed and life is so much better. I feel like a new person. My life feels like a new life and nothing really has changed. I’ve already put 20k words down in my novel rewrite but most importantly, I’m enjoying writing again. I’ve even rewritten half of the first chapter. Tomorrow I’m going to sit down and edit the third and fourth chapters.
The crazy thing is when I would try to edit before when I was depressed, I would get upset at myself, think I completely suck and give up for awhile. Now, I see where something might not flow very well or I wrote a crappy paragraph but instead of giving up, I just fix it and go on. I don’t berate myself and tell myself ‘You’re a miserable writer, you suck.” I just fix it. I don’t quit, I don’t even want to quit. That’s such a strange feeling. But again, it makes me a little sad thinking of all I’ve lost out on in my life because of depression.
I’m even excited for the new year. I’m excited for today and tomorrow. I’m actually excited about things again, anything. I’ve been living in this dull grey existence for so long. I attributed it to middle age. Been there done that, nothing is thrilling or exciting anymore. Again, here is where depression was robbing me of my enjoyment of life. Yes, I’ve experienced a lot in my life but there is so much more out there I haven’t. A few months ago, I had 0 desire to explore or find new things. Today, I can’t wait to find new adventures. Night and day. Crazy isn’t it?
Well, I have already gone on enough about this new change in my life. I truly am going to write Dr. Ilardi a letter, some fan mail. Thank you for dedicating your time and energy into this research! And if you’re suffering from depression, check out this book and of course if you are in a doctor or therapist’s care, please talk to them before making any changes. If you decide to try The Depression Cure‘s six steps, I’d love to hear from you on your results. I pray they are as dramatic and positive as mine.
Xoxoxox – so much love to my fellow depression sufferers…
Recently, I’ve realized I’ve been living my life according to some ideas I have stuck in my brain. These ideas have formed over the forty-eight years of my life for different reasons such as how I was brought up, my peers, constant media blasts, social norms, religion, so on and so forth. Truly, it’s hard to sort out what I really want in life through the many layers of ‘Shoulds”.
You need to go to college and pick a career that earns a lot of money.
Money is most important.
You need to not be outspoken or different. Follow the rules (social norms).
You’re a woman, you can’t do that.
Keep your mouth shut. Keep out of sight.
That’s a nice dream, but it won’t make enough money. You won’t be able to support yourself.
Are you crazy?
Why are you so shy? Why don’t you speak up in class? Are you stupid?
Go to church every. Sunday. Live a pious life (as the speaker does not)
Women are weaker, inferior to men.
Don’t associate with black people or people of color.
You’re a failure. Don’t do better than me. Don’t do anything that makes me uncomfortable. Don’t color outside the lines…
You get the idea. I have had so many expectations and rules (that aren’t truly rules) throw at me throughout my life, that I am just now unwinding all those messages to find my true self. All that I listed above has been said to me in some manner or another, usually out of love and misguided direction though some of what has been said to me is so that I don’t “do better” than the person giving me that message. People are threatened by you, especially when you don’t fit into a neat little box.
I’ve always been kind of the odd duck. I’m quiet and introverted; therefore, I’m either assumed to be socially awkward or shy or stuck up. I’m none of those things. I have never seen race as an indication of people’s worth or unworth. People are just people. I don’t believe one religion is ‘right’ and the rest are wrong. “God” to me, takes many forms and going to church every Sunday doesn’t make you a good person. I find “God” in nature, in people and in many places.
I don’t believe you have to be rich to be happy. I think having enough money to pay your bills and a bit extra is the sweet spot. I don’t believe you have to be what the general public deems as ‘successful’ such as being a doctor, lawyer, etc. Sometimes the people we look up to are the ones hiding the most. I don’t believe that “God” is wrathful, I believe “God” is love and therefore doesn’t give 2 shits about your sexual orientation, gender, color, if you tithe 10%, if your butt is in a church pew on Sunday, so on and so forth. I do believe “God” wants us to show each other love and kindness. I also believe that “God” wants us to find joy in our lives, not be cowering in the corner because we sinned. God wants us to feel his love not feel guilty all the time.
Over the years, I’ve tried different volunteering activities and each time, I found myself not sticking to them. I felt bad about myself, guilty. These people need my help, am I a selfish person? Then recently, I signed up to be a Lunch Buddy through Big Brothers Big Sisters for a 5th grade girl in my school district. Every other week (or more – she likes me to come weekly), I have lunch with her at her school, just listening and talking. to her while she eats her lunch. To be honest, I think I get more out of i t than she does, it brings me such joy. This made me realize that no, I wasn’t a bad or selfish person, I just hadn’t found my right opportunity. I was telling myself, everyone works with kids, I should work with the elderly or abused women, so on and so forth. For whatever reason, I was too stubborn to allow myself to do what I really wanted because I had some ideal in my head that I shouldn’t work with kids.
Where did this come from? Who knows. But that’s how I’ve treated myself throughout my life. Ignoring what brings me joy because maybe I don’t feel I deserve it or happiness. Growing up in a dysfunctional family situation, you rarely feel that you are important. The narcissistic nature of someone who is an addict or alcoholic takes over everyone’s lives and as a kid and adolescent I was lost in the shuffle. My needs were not important, I was overshadowed by my father’s issues. I’ve been essentially punishing myself all these years because of essentially what I was taught indirectly. And frankly that’s bullshit and I’m angry about it.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and therapy to get over my past and the fallout into my adult life. The last thing that I am struggling with is anger. I am calling bullshit on every single person who ever excused my father’s behavior because he was “sick”. Sure he tried rehab a few times but he just bullshitted his way through it and came home to do the same things usually worse. My childhood, my adolescence even though my parents divorced when I was 13 was a flat out abusive mess because of his f’ing sickness. Bullshit to each time someone excused his behavior – you were enabling him to not be responsible for himself. I understand it’s a sickness and people can’t help it but it doesn’t excuse the shitty treatment of your children. We didn’t deserve it.
Bullshit to the lack of domestic abuse laws that allowed my father to hit and beat my mother because they were married. If they had not been married back then, he would have been arrested. Again, this was overlooked and my mother was told basically that you are stuck, until she finally had enough and left. She would have left years before, saving us all a bunch of heartache if it had not been for those preaching religious shit about sanctity of marriage. Really? God wants a husband to hit his wife and kids? I don’t care if he was sick or drunk, none of us deserved it. No one deserves it today. The damage from this treatment is long reaching. I’m mid-life and still struggling to just allow myself joy. This is ridiculous.
Being addicted or having a mental illness is tough. It’s a big struggle, but please don’t forget about the persons, the loved ones in the addict’s path. Don’t let the addiction overshadow the victims. In my father’s case, he was never going to get better. I wonder though, if people had stopped enabling him, feeling sorry for him, and hadn’t expected him to take responsibility for his actions. Would the result had been different? What if he went to jail for beating my mother the first time it happened? What if she left the first time she wanted to, gotten support instead of shamed and pressured because they were married? My parents would have divorced when I was very young if she walked away when it started to happen or at least separated until he straightened up his shit. If he couldn’t straighten himself up, then none of us had to live in that hell. She could have still helped him get to rehab and such, but kept herself and us out of the firing line.
I’m not saying stop caring about the person but they have to take responsibility for themselves. They won’t get better until they decide that is truly what they want. It doesn’t matter how much begging and pleading you do with them, it really has to be up to them. But this is their responsibility especially when they are an adult. It is further complicated though by mental illness as in my father’s case. There is little resources to dealing with an adult with a debilitating mental illness. When my father was in nursing care, he was this wonderful pleasant person but outside of constant care, he reverted back to how he was. Dealing with these issues are very complex and I know it isn’t simple. But as victims of the disease, we can remove ourselves and take care of ourselves even though it’s hell watching someone you love self-destruct.
So now, I’m learning what truly brings me joy. In order for me to finish healing over my past, this is a key element. Letting go of the “shoulds” and finding joy every single day. Allowing myself to be happy because I deserve that as does everyone else. We don’t have to sacrifice our joy in life. I need to stop trying to live up to old expectations that never made sense to start with. To stand up for myself when my boundaries are crossed. Granted we all have to do things in life that we don’t enjoy to survive but outside of that, we are free to find our joys. We deserve love and good things no matter our past.
Go find your joy!
I was writing in my journal noting that it hadn’t even been a month since my youngest moved out. As I reflected on how I was feeling, I noted several words came to mind.
“Free”. “Less”. “Me”.
I dreaded her moving out, cried for days before and after she moved out. It truly was the end to an era of my life. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been struggling with this whole empty nest idea for about eight years. What will I do? How will I feel? How will I fill the time? How will I feel useful? Needed? I’m not great with the unknown. I want to control everything after growing up in a dysfunctional family. But you can’t control this event nor do you want to. It’s our jobs as parents to raise the baby birds into full fledged adults allowing them to leave the nest and forage on their own. Looking back, I couldn’t wait to move out of my mom’s house. Freedom! Adulting! Doing what I want! Yay! Of course, we all know that it’s never as great as we think because there is always: Bills! Employment! Taxes! Car Issues! Health Insurance!
My life has never really been my own. Maybe a few years late in my teens as I moved from 18 to 19. Then I met my daughters’ father and I allowed my life to get hijacked. So on and so forth, this is all covered in previous posts. But I recovered and made a good life for my daughters and myself. I’ve achieved the majority of my goals that I had from years ago that seem relevant today. Being a famous rock star died out once i had the first baby.
“Free”. I have 4 things I’m responsible for: Myself, Pets, Home and Job. Suddenly I find I can spend a lot more time doing things I enjoy. It’s been going this way for a long time but now it feels more permanent. Outside of my responsibilities, I can chose how I spend my time. If I want to hang out with my kids I can. If I want to spend the day hiking in the woods, I can. If the hubby and I want to spend the day out driving in the Corvette we can (at least until the first salt hits the road). Holy shit! Freedom, or as much as a grown mid-life adult can have.
“Less”. Less cleaning, less cooking, less toilet paper, less grocery shopping, less picking up, less drama, less expectations, less responsibilities, less shit in general. I’m in the process of streamlining household chores, grocery shopping and so on to spend less time on these activities. Less = more freedom, more money, more fun. Essentially less becomes more. More of my own life to life.
“Me”. I’ve spent my life care taking people due to my crazy upbringing and then jumping into young motherhood. Now I can focus on me for the first time in my life. There are no grandparents or parents around pushing their expectations on me. Sad they are gone but it’s simply the truth. These people can really influence your life choices and in my case, I didn’t follow what I truly wanted. I hope I haven’t pushed too much onto my daughters though I know I have in the past. I try to just be supportive now. Me – Doing things I enjoy. Me – Spending quiet time alone which is an introvert’s paradise.
Though I will admit, it has taken me some time to adjust to this time and not try to force myself to be more extroverted because of some odd expectation I had set in my mind. I have the rest of my life; however long that is, to focus on myself for the most part. Which this may just be simple things like doing what I enjoy or pursuing a goal that I find I desire or taking naps. Aren’t naps amazing?
My biggest issue with this change of seasons in my life has been my fear of the unknown and the fear that I would no longer be relevant or useful. I’m not a helicopter mom, nor did I get so involved in my kids’ lives that I forgot my own but the change was significant for me. At times, I miss having kids in the house but mostly, I don’t. They all seem pretty happy on their own and I work at remembering that. I gave them a better shot than I had. I gave them a better childhood than I had. I did my best and honestly, I failed a bunch. I would never get “Perfect Parent of the Year” award but I would get “If You Fuck With My Kids, I Will Kill You” award. They never had to doubt I had their back. They still don’t. I would go all psycho mom on anyone who hurt my kids, grown or not. It’s my job. If they need me, I’m there. No questions asked. Okay, about 100 questions asked, but still there. Some things don’t change.
Bottom line is that you will live through this change. Yes, it can be very sad and you can feel very lost at times. Being a parent is the toughest and most rewarding job I ever had so it’s hard to replace that in my life. I’m really trying to look at it as I was successful at it, as much as anyone can be and now is time for new adventures. Now is the time to get back into my own life, take care of myself, buy myself fun things now and again, relax and enjoy. My life is in a rare quiet moment (knock on wood) so I need to enjoy it. Instead of worrying about what do I need to do now. Who cares? If I look back on my life at the end, will I think I should have started another business, went back to school, filled up my free time pronto? Probably not.
I did though sign up to be a Lunch Buddy for Big Brothers Big Sisters for a young girl who attends middle school. I’m excited (and nervous) about our first meeting next week. This is a volunteer activity that I can have face to face contact with one person with little commitment. I meet her for lunch for 30 minutes every other week (or more often if the Little wants). I chose older children because everyone wants the little kids because they seem less daunting and more cute. My hardest time wasn’t in elementary school but middle school. Nothing more awkward than my 5th grade self. I desperately needed a Big Sister in 5th, and 6th, and 7th, etc. (Shout out to my friends, hubby and boss who gave me a glowing reference – love you guys). I didn’t want to jump full in to a volunteer thing so this seems perfect. Wish me luck! I hope my Little likes me! I love that I have some time to give back to others.
One thing I did promise myself (outside of the BBBS gig) was that I am going to just take a deep breath and not make any major decisions or changes until after the new year. This is to allow me to continue to acclimate to my new reality and to really take time to think about what I want to do, if anything. I tend to knee jerk when I am feeling lost and uncomfortable. I should start a soap making business! I should sign up to volunteer for something I deep down don’t want to do but think I should do! Anything to fill the silence and uncomfortable moments. But those are the moments that I need to truly find my purpose, calling or what makes me happy.
Thats been my folly all my life. Not taking the time to sit in the uncomfortable silence for as long as it takes to find my next path or listen to my heart. I avoid the uncomfortable unknown like the plague and this has never served me well. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off does not lead to smart decisions. Nor did listening to everyone else close to me in my life. Sometimes their advice was right but when I ignored what I really wanted, I did myself a huge disservice. Not trusting my instincts/gut – another disservice. Huge one in fact. Since I can’t fix the past, I can be more cognizant of my future. This time, I am forcing myself to stay still. To listen. To just be for a bit. A few months will not kill me. Learning that I don’t have to be productive 24/7 or have some big goal at every moment, is a good lesson for me.
Be kind to yourself through this entire transition. No one can tell you how to feel (though they will try) or minimize your feelings (also will try – ‘well you knew they were going to grow up’ – no shit – thanks, so helpful). It’s okay to be sad, just don’t get stuck. Your feelings will be up and down or maybe you’ll be elated. Everyone is different. I never can figure out why people expect you to look, act, think and feel just like them. If you don’t, then there is something wrong with you. Stupid.
If you are going through this and need someone to talk to, shoot me a message. I’m here for you. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful support system and realize not everyone has this. Try to remember to be a little excited. This is the next phase or season of your life! Make it what you want! Hugs!