A lot has happened since my last blog post. Yesterday, I moved my two oldest daughters into the house my oldest bought. Her first house! I’m so excited for her (and a little melancholy) and immensely proud of her. This is a house that she bought all by herself by saving up for a long time to build up her savings. When I was driving a truck load over to her new house, I started thinking of myself at that age, 25 almost 26. At her age, I had been married for 5 years and was pregnant with my 3rd child and we had just moved into our first house that we bought.
The thing is, back then, I’d never thought about buying my own house. You were programmed to think that you went to school, got married (maybe college) and then the house came. At least in my family. While the 1970s still encompassed women’s liberation from the 1960’s, even in the mid-late 1980’s when I was a teenager, the old ways still clung. Though I was an independent person to an extent, it never dawned on me to buy my own house because very few women I knew had done so unless they were divorced or “weird”. Fast forward 21 years and here is my daughter buying her own house. And watching the social media feeds, so are a lot of people her age, male or female without the trappings of having to get married first.
Had I been in a better situation had I just worked and bought my own place, rather than marrying someone that I did not really want to marry? I think so though I would not have the great daughters I have today. A lot of it has to do with the Christianity that I was familiar with growing up. The male was the head of the household and the female more subservient. Which I am not saying is good or bad, but maybe it just wasn’t the only way. I think of the potential in life that I had not developed because I was stunted by a patriarchal mindset. Not blaming anyone, or being a victim, but you are influenced by those ideals swirling around you. It simply had not dawned on me to just focus on my own education and career like my daughter has done. Then buy my own house and when love arrives in your life, you don’t feel dependent on that person. You know you can take care of yourself which is what I really pushed for with my daughters, as it is miserable to believe that you are dependent on another person for your life.
Being independent means you have to face the fact that you are in charge of your own failures and successes but that is the reality of life. I spent a good part of my life feeling that I needed someone else to help me achieve my goals. Someone like a parent, a boyfriend or a spouse. But they weren’t really in charge of my life the way I depended on them. I was so miserable and unhappy tying my future and my goals to someone all the time. Not that you don’t have joint goals with your spouse but when you let go of your individual goals, the things that make you happiest, you are not living authentically. Luckily, I have a husband now who doesn’t want to control every little thing in my life and he actually steps back and forces me to do it on my own sometimes. Which is good, because I’ve spent way too much time in the shadows. My former spouse’s shadows, my mom’s shadow, etc. I reached a point in my life when all that had faded away and I was left standing there thinking, OMG, who am I?
That’s the problem with hanging your shingle on someone else and not yourself. You lose yourself and who you are or in my case, maybe I never really took the time to figure out who that was or I thought I knew already. And that doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship to get there either. You can, you just have to pick a relationship with mutual respect and where each or one partner doesn’t want to control the other. Yes, it’s scary when you do something on your own especially if it’s important to you. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a good support system or people who encourage you but you realize that you are the one driving the bus so to speak. I’m 46 years old and this is finally dawning on me. That my fear and lack of self-confidence kept me from going after what I loved. Instead, I stood by my man (which for 18 years of my life was disastrous) and never really did enough for myself. I hid behind other people. It was easier that way. Well nothing good ever comes easy.
As my house empties a bit, I am now sitting in what once was my middle daughter’s bedroom that overnight became my office. A place to write and work on projects where I can focus and fight my urge to be up cleaning and so on. I’m a bit ADD that way. in a way I was sad they left, but proud at the same time. LIke any change, it takes me a little to adjust to it but I usually make the best of it all. in a way, it is exciting because I can focus more on my goals. I miss my daughter a little but she’s just ten miles away and having my own “room” for the first time in 26 years is actually nice. I woke up this morning and was running different room configurations through my head.
On the food journal note, yesterday marked my monthly measurement milestone. I have lost 9 pounds and 6.5 inches (8 different measurements). It’s been hard to stay focused on journaling. Many days I want to blow it off but I’m forcing myself to stick with it for 3 months minimum. I was excited yesterday by the loss of inches because my weight fluctuates. It can go up and down 5 lbs in a day or two. Weight isn’t the best method for me, mostly I am doing it more on a scientific outlook but the measurements give me my actual progress. That and how I feel. I feel really great inside and out so that is worth the hassle of logging everything I eat. Three months is what they say you need to create or break a habit. So I’m going at least 3 months on this food journal journey. We will see how I feel when I reach that point in February on my oldest’s 26th birthday!
Well, I need to close as I am having my first volunteer day at the local nursing home. Im a little nervous but I always am when it ones to something new. I’m excited about the fact the Winter Solstice has passed and the days will start getting longer. I’m excited for 2017 and what all it can bring. I’m excited for the next chapter of my life. Cheers!